Don’t Think That You Will Get To Know People From Their Social Media Accounts

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Assalamualaikum,

Almost everyone I know have social media account ; some are insanely active while some,well,barely update anything.

I notice how sometimes we judge others based on their social media accounts’ posts.We all have one,and we only show others what we want to be shown so why don’t we treat others the same as well?

I came across my friend’s ig last night.While we aren’t very close,I know her story very well since we lived in the same hostel and we used to share personal things.

If you never knew her personally,you will think that she’s that happy-go-lucky girl with no problems and insecurities.Contrary to that,she has a lot on her plate and I doubt if I could ever make it if I was her.

So saying that “I know you from your posts that you are ….bla bla bla” could be wrong sometimes.The best way to get know someone is by spending time with him.So,try to get in touch in real life!

 

Think that you know me from what I post online?

 

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Nah.

What Is It That You Seek In This Life

Salam y’all

I am typing this while watching Portugal VS Austria,yep,doing both over the desktop.Quite a handy gal,aren’t I?And..football?The game that once made me yawn to the utmost boredom?Ahaks,I had been bitten by a football bug I guess.Yikes.Actually my friend and my bro influenced me to watch football.

So,thanks?

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this is how my desktop looks like 

It is hard to focus on two jobs at one time huh?

I think I will resume when the game is getting boring,but who am I kidding?Haha.

I have been living the nights lately,but not the way I always wanted it to be.It is the holy month of Ramadan,I know I should be praying tahajjud,perform qiamullail and read Al-Quran.All I do is scrolling twitter and whining about friends not being there for me.Yes,sounds freaking annoying even by typing this make me want to slap myself,hard.

Just a few hours ago,I have been reading how to detox,how to stop social media addiction and stuffs.I even seriously considered to put away my smartphone for a week.Phew,that was close!

I think I might as well just list few of things that has been bothering me.

1. Friends

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sunset-watching in Perhentian 

I think they are all leaving me and not being there for me.Don’t get me wrong,don’t get em wrong.They are all nice people and very much caring.

I think it is all me.

I was born in a big family,I am constantly surrounded by people.Later I was enrolled in boarding school where we practically did everything together.Soon,I got into foundation and spent near a year in college,also with friends.

I hate being alone,that’s the problem.

I never have a gang,I am green with envy when I see a group of friends who are very close and call themselves sisterhood or brotherhood.I never taste and experience those sorts of things.Aida pointed out that I am a drama-avoidant person.Perhaps Aida is right.Because I hate drama,I hate gaduh-lepastu-merajuk,I hate gedik girls and I hate waiting…Being in a group means we have to wait for each other.But I would like to experience it once.Just so I can tell what I miss.

Also,I began thinking that this one good friend who had helped me a lot in the deen is leaving me.We do not use endearment anymore,we used to call each other baby.Yeah,geli kan hahaha I don’t blame you.She might feel disgusted by the endearment which makes her left me (? Omo sounds so childish).It has been long,since this year,around February.I told my roommate about it,she said it was normal and I should not expect my good friend to contact me every day.

I agreed with her,friendship is not measured with the amount of time you spent with a person rather a person you enjoy spending the time with.All is alright until I found out they had this group chat without me.I was like,DARN!,how could you?

Then again,I should not sweat over this small stuff.Neither you should,my dear readers.Why would you go begging people to love you?If they want you,they will come.If they don’t seek for you anymore and do not bother to keep in touch,just let it go.

I am so lucky that I got myself a best friend for 11 years,we have been friends since 8.

You don’t have friends,go make new one.Please don’t waste your energy and time waiting for someone,thinking why they do not contact you,or have they found new friends that they ditched you?

I do contact them frequent,asking how their days are going.But you can tell really,when your friends are really interested to reply or just ignore you.You want someone,you contact them,they do not show any interest,just walk away.

There are many more good people in this world,in sha Allah you will meet someone who truly value,appreciate,respect,love and adore you.

2. Coping with loneliness

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I am not only bored,I am also lonely

It happens because I sleep after Subuh,it has been 3 weeks since I have this abnormal sleeping patterns.We sure know the famous verse :

And it is He Who makes the night a covering for you, and the sleep (as) repose, and makes the day Nushur (i.e. getting up and going about here and there for daily work, etc. after one’s sleep at night or like resurrection after one’s death).(25:47)

Spending the nights alone,in a big fairly house is not okay.I used to enjoy it,because it means I can read my books and write.Now that I don’t read that often (sedih,I know,I used to be obsessed with books,I miss the old me) nor I do write (back then when I actively wrote fics)

Scrolling twitter is not therapeutic,it kills!So don’t make it a habit to scroll down twitter and instagram when you are bored,and lonely.

I asked around,then a friend told me.I might be far from Him.

Which turned out to be true,so the past days,I have been taking a bit of my time after praying to read Al-Quran.Not many pages,just one or two,sometimes three or four.Depending on the day and the time.Too bad,it is Ramadan and I should be trying to recite the whole Al-Quran.

I am lucky because I am living in Ramadan,we are in the second phase,of which is maghfirah.May Allah forgive all of our wrongdoings!Allahumma ameen.

I tried to put my bloody phone away during buka puasa,and spent time with family members.Both my parents are working hard which means I don’t get to see them often because of their working schedules .Gotta optimize all the chances,baby.

Also,abnormal sleeping patterns could contribute to depression,deteriorating heaths as well as headache.

3.Planning the future

I live in rural area,although now it doesn’t seem so rural anymore haha.They will build an airport nearby,not sure I have to be happy or not but I can go  work there during semester break.

I seriously want to go to Palawan in 2017,but because of financial circumstances,the plan has to be postponed.Well,man proposes God disposes.

Then,I began searching for hobbies to keep me full on hands.Free time is a bitch sometimes,it makes you overwhelmed with loneliness.I will enjoy a life where I have to do many things but manage to get rest every now and then.I don’t want a chilled life.I am suffocated!

The hobbies have to be cool and suit me well,more importantly,it has to be physical so I can stay in shape.I don’t want to be fat,please no.

As a result,in sha Allah I’ll keep diving,swimming,hiking,running and biking on my top lists.The other side hobbies would be cooking,baking and sewing (because I am so so so terrible at them,but I gotta feed my family and it would be nice to sew clothes at least once for the family)

I am also planning my career,almost everyone knows my ambitions and dreams.Let’s just pray and work hard to make them into realities!Allahumma ameen.

 

4. Get back to the basic

I’ll continue doing what I love.I’ll continue to write even no one reads,I’ll keep doing everything I love,as long as it is not haram,without a single damn care how people will look at me.I used to not give a damn,the old rebellious me,but the new Khadijah is too self-conscious T__T blahlah hang

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lies I tell T_T

The crush thingy,I am not over it,yet.I still stalk him every single day.But I recently watched Dr. Zakir Naik’s video (not intended to watch,I was watching Mirror Of The Witch MV then got the video on my suggestions) .The viewer asked him how he trained his children and one of his answers strucked me hard – it started when I married my wife.

What kind of kids you dream of raising of?I want kids that love Islam,that have such big hearts and souls,those kids who are smart and are not frightened by anything or anyone,the kids who fear their Lord.

Marry someone who you think will be able to provide for you and your kids.Don’t marry someone just because of their looks,or their social media accounts make they look so good and all.

I never thought I would be talking about marriages and shit,but I have been doing a lot lately.Oh please,I really need to occupy my free time.

Anything goes wrong,turn back to Him.Turn back to your Lord.Turn back to Allah.I am far from Him right now,I miss crying to Allah late at night,telling him what bothers my heart and asking Him to heal it for me.Come back to Allah.

So,stop whining and complaining on Twitter.I just realised how much time I spent on twitter alone considering I created that account after foundation ended.

Get back to the basic,make yourself proud of yourself.Contribute to the society,try to do all the wajibs and and try to do sunats as well.

If you are lost,and confused,just like me..take a deep breath and think rationally what is behind all of these mess?

 

 

Late Night Maggi

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There’s something melancholic about eating maggi late at night.She usually sleep at 4am and she’ll be having her usual Maggi Kari Berapi with a nice Iced Sarsi.

While savouring each spoon she thinks about her life,people she knows,books she had read and places she has been to.

Late night,early morning – both are the time when people feel either lonely or peaceful.

But,she thinks nothing matters as long as she has her maggi with her.

Cara Aku Kuasai Bahasa Inggeris

Assalamualaikum,

Dah lepas 1/3 Ramadan,bagaimana dengan ibadah kalian?Harap-harap Ramadan kali ini membawa seribu satu makna buat kita semua,in sha Allah.

Aku terfikir nak tulis entri ni,lepas moreh tadi.Sebab adik aku mengadu Bahasa Inggeris pelik dan sebagainya.Lepastu dia pi pulak sebut ‘kingdom’ dengan domnya cara hang sebut papadom.T__T

Aku tak reti Inggeris langsung masa tahap 1,tahu baca dan boleh tulis sikit-sikit.Tapi nak cakap tu,jangan harap.Menggeletar baqhang.Pernah tu time bercuti dekat Batu Feringghi lepastu aku dan adik aku naik lif dengan mat saleh sorang ni.Kebetulan kami sama tingkat bilik hotel,dia suruh aku tekan button lift lepastu aku tunjuk 8.Bukan aku taktau lapan tu eight dalam Bahasa Inggeris tapi aku macam “Nak cakap tingkat lapan cemana eh?” Waktu tu aku darjah 2.

Masa darjah 1,aku nak masuk pertandingan bercerita tapi aku tak reti baca dengan lancar Bahasa Inggeris,macam sangkut-sangkut.Waktu saringan,aku bawa buku cerita lepastu bila cikgu suruh baca aku terkebil-kebil.Lepastu cikgu tanya, “Kamu reti baca tak?” aku teleng.Cikgu suruh balik kelas.Sedih bila ingat balik…

buku ni,tapi tajuk Cinderella

Bukan mak aku tak ajar,berlambak buku Bahasa Inggeris kat rumah tapi aku ni pemalas.Asyik nak keluar main aci ligan saja petang-petang.Tak pun main racing basikal,time tu rasa gangster habis :’)  Almaklumlah dekat kawasan perumahan tu ramai budak kecik boleh dibuat kawan.

sampai kesudah aku tak baca habis Peter & Jane tu,Read Easy pun sama.last-last aku baca sendiri bila dah teringin nak kuasai Bahasa Inggeris.

Banyak je moment yang buatkan aku kerdil sangat sebab Bahasa Inggeris aku cikai.Aku pandai teori,contohnya cara tukar plural singular,preposition tapi memang lemah bila nak cakap,atau buat ayat panjang.

Darjah 3,kena masuk story telling (peringkat daerah je pun) sebab ganti kawan aku,Huda.Aku ni sejak kecik level of confident tinggi.Memang jenis yang kurang pemalu so aku redah.Banyak gila sebutan aku salah tapi cikgu aku perbetulkan,mak aku pun perbetulkan.Bukan aku faham sangat pun apa aku dok cerita sambil buat gaya loncat sana loncat sini.

Darjah 4,aku dah galak kekeke dah start belajar tengok drama online.Walaupun waktu tu internet masih Dial-Up aku sanggup bersabar nak tunggu drama loading.Tengok dekat mysoju,sapa tak kenal mysoju tak cukup otai lagi okay dalam drama ni haha.Jadi,waktu tu la aku macam cuba nak belajar sikit-sikit Bahasa Inggeris.Bukannya apa,takda niat mulia pun,cuma nak faham apa yang Matsumoto Jun cakap je.

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hawt tau dulu Hana Yori Dango

Sepupu aku terer Bahasa Inggeris,kalau main barbie mesti ada sorang jadi orang gaji sorang jadi orang kaya.Barbie aku la jadi orang gaji sebab tak pandai speaking.Lepastu pengaruh hedonisme mesti barbie ada pertandingan menyanyi.Sepupu aku semua pakat nyanyi lagu English.Aku memang bukan jenis dengar lagu,aku layan k-pop mana layan mat saleh jadi aku nyanyi lagu Twinkle Twinkle Little Star selalu.

Akhir tahun 2008 baru aku mula nak pastikan diri aku kuasai Bahasa Inggeris.Sebab Ujian Penilaian Tahun Lima aku dapat 4A1B ,B Bahasa Inggeris,markah 78.Huwaaa lagi 2 nak A.Aku frust gila sebab semua budak-budak Anugerah Cemerlang dapat join rombongan sekolah pergi mandi kat Lost World Tambun.Dah la yang rombongan tahun sebelum aku tak boleh pergi sebab kena demam campak T__T

Walaupun langit tak selalunya cerah,mentari tetap menampakkan sinar.Tetiba aku rajin baqhang nak kuasai Bahasa Inggeris.Aku nak buktikan kat semua orang yang pandang rendah dekat aku selama ni yang aku boleh.Yang aku,bukan sebodoh dan semalas yang mereka sangkakan.Aku kan tinggal kat hulu,cakap nama tempat aku menetap ni mesti hang taktau punya.Orang suka buat lawak bangang yang semua tinggal disini tuli-tuli belaka.Acewah,terbakau tak?

1. Aku baca kamus 

Aku stressed sebab bila aku baca buku dan tengok drama,aku tak faham perkataan kena rujuk kamus.Memanglah mak aku ada boleh tanya,tapi mak aku pun sibuk tahu.Entah macam mana aku dapat idea bernas nak hafal kamus.Setiap hari aku hafal dalam 100 perkataan.Waktu tu tak banyak dosa lagi,jadi ingatan memang alhamdulillah kuat.Sekali baca,scan,masuk terus dalam jiwa raga.Hari-hari aku selak kamus,sampai lunyai kamus Oxford aku tu.Kesayangan okay,kamus tu aku guna lagi sampai sekarang.

2. Aku banyak baca buku Bahasa Inggeris 

Rumah aku banyak je National Geographic,Discovery,Health Today,Readers’ Digest,Time tapi wa tak pernah berminat nak baca.Mak ayah aku ja consumed depa hari-hari.Untuk anak-anak,mak aku langgan Young Scientists,Tunas Sains,Adik Digital dan Disney setiap bulan.Jadi aku banyak baca majalah budak-budak sebagai permulaan.

Masuk darjah 6,macam Bahasa Inggeris aku improved banyak gila.Aku dah mula baca classical books yang Jane Austen,Arthur Conan Doyle dan Lucy Maud Montgomery.Walaupun banyak je perkataan dan frasa aku tak faham.Selalu aku rujuk mak akulah sebab mak kan suka baca buku Bahasa Inggeris.

Teacher Nurul pun impressed dengan aku.Walhal masa darjah 5 teacher ajar aku jugak,tapi aku ni ha tak reti sangat.Buat ayat pun tak sedap sangat baca.

 

3. Buat buku kecil & hafal frasa

Aku ada buat buku kecil ni,dimana aku salin perkataan atau frasa yang aku rasa sedap,ayat aku jumpak dalam novel atau lirik lagu.Lepastu aku guna dalam karangan aku.Dapat full marks uolls.

Dalam majalah Disney selalu ada idioms ,aku hafal yang tu la.Contohnya a blue bird told me ,once in a blue moon dan sebagainya.

 

4. Tengok series dalam Bahasa Inggeris

Time ni aku layan ANTM hahahahha sapa tak layan weh,dia punya riuh bodoh tu lawak gila.So aku suka buat lawak ngan kakak aku So you wanna be on top?

antara series yang menjadi igauan aku,layan dekat tv8 je sebab aku takdak astro

Sambil tengok tu,otak aku pick up cara dia sebut perkataan,dan aku cuba cakap balik cuma jangan tanya kenapa pelat aku takda gaya American mahupun British.Iolls rendah diri >_<

Bila dah tengok ni,aku ada confidence nak bertutur dalam Bahasa Inggeris diluar pentas Story Telling.Sebab keluarga aku bukan english-speaking.Semua bantai cakap Kedah ja,pastu bila balik Sik cakap lorat Sik orang was-was aku ni minah kelate ko?

Pelan pelan aku kutip keyakinan aku,nak cakap depan orang ramai dalam bahasa yang hang tak selalu tutur bukan satu perkara yang mudah.

5. Aku mula menulis 

Tahu tak kenapa penulisan bahasa Inggeris hang tak bagus?Sebab hang praktikkan/menulis waktu peperiksaan saja.Hang tak bagi peluang pada diri hang untuk buat kesilapan sebelum peperiksaan.

Maka,aku mula aktif dalam Friendster,kawan dengan orang Filipina lah.Bajet kan macam depa tu terer sangat bahasa Inggeris.

Lepastu aku melebarkan sayap mula komen dekat Youtube bawah video kpop,waktu tu mashaAllah jangan cakaplah grammar semua kelaut.Alhamdulillah youtube dah deleted akaun aku yang satu tu.Penuh dengan kepoyoan.

Darjah 6,dalam seminggu mesti aku tulis satu karangan dan paksa mak aku cek.Mak aku bukan rajin sangat nak melayan kerenah aku.Tapi sebab aku persistent dan akan merajuk maka aku dilayankan.

6. Aku suka bertanya 

Aku memang suka tanya soalan,sampai sekarang pun.Pergi sekolah memandu cikgu aku mengamuk kat aku sebab aku tanya kenapa kena tekan klac haha.Baran betul,terang je la kat aku dari sudut kejuruteraan -_-

Aku tak ingat jenis soalan aku kalau kelas bahasa Inggeris tapi yang pasti aku akan tanya.Wajib.Apa yang aku rasa musykil atau pelik,aku tak teragak-agak.Walaupun kebanyakan soalan aku bodoh.

Dah kelas bahasa Inggeris maka kenalah tanya dalam bahasa Inggeris.Jadi kurang rasa awkward untuk cakap dalam bahasa Inggeris.Dulu nak mintak permisi nak gi jamban dalam bahasa Inggeris pun rasa pelik sampai tolak-tolak kawan aku suruh dia yang cakapkan.

Kemudian…

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aku jatuh cinta pada membaca

Aku mula jadi avid reader,aku akan baca apa saja yang aku nampak.Sebelum ni macam baca buku Bahasa Melayu yang biasa-biasa.Contoh buku kisah para nabi,buku jin,perbandingan agama,sejarah Melayu,sejarah Islam tapi kemudiannya mempunyai hobi aneh membaca ensiklopedia.Aku obsessed nak tahu segala-galanya.Macam manabuku dicetak,baju dijahit,proses pembuatan dan kemenjadian.

Maka mulalah aku hidup dengan kaca mata akibat terlalu suka membaca dalam gelap.

antara koleksi novel bahasa Inggeris.aku,mak,dan kaklong suka romance,thriller dan gore.tapi kadang-kadang layan je semua hehe  meh la bagi hadiah aku buku tapi sebelum tu tanya dulu aku dah ada ke belum.

Masuk sekolah menengah,tetiba aku jadi terer bahasa Inggeris walhal 2 tahun sebelum tu dapat B 😦

Aku joined debate team dan dapat jadi naib timbalan Kelab Bahasa Inggeris.Kefasihan dan kepetahan aku mengundang persoalan ramai orang sebab aku tinggal kat kampung.Ya,manusia dan sikap suka pandang rendah kepada orang yang tinggal di pedalaman.

Ok lah kot,kalau ada apa-apa nak tanya boleh komen dibawah atau dm aku dekat twitter @knaixx_ dah pagi ni wa nak sahur.Sejam aku tulis tahuu.Semoga bermanfaat!Believe in yourself and you can do it!

Of Ramadan 2016

Salam Alaik,

I just realised that this Ramadan is my first time celebrating Ramadan at home in 6 years.I have been spending the Ramadan in maahad for 5 years and last year in UiTM Shah Alam.

Honestly,this is my first time Ramadan since 2010 that I am not excited,not at all.Whether the juadah or bazar Ramadan or even baju raya.I am not excited,I do not beam and all.

This is not because of my stupid brokenhearted crush story no no no nein.

I am feeling so lost lately,I have been asking around and one of my friends point out that I might have been far from God.Meaning I do not pray in khusyu’,rushing in prayers,only do wajib stuffs,do maksiat and things that drift you away from Allah.Things I know well I should not do but I do anyway.Oh wait,fret not,I despise myself too.

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For 5 years in maahad,during Ramadan we will have nice and generous dishes for ifthor  you could see everyone (except people who are on period) walking around with Al-Quran in their hands.You could see people reciting Al-Quran everywhere.It was last year that I was so shocked when in my faculty not many people bring Al-Quran around.I sense only one or two.And the muslims were like 80% there.Not to mention,the blasting music in the middle of the day…Allahu.Definitely got into culture-shock last year.

I finally got it when one of my classmate in Asasi told me that I am alim.I keep (and still) denying that I am alim.Alim literally means people with lots of knowledge in Arabic while in Malay society it means someone who is pious.I am definitely not a pious person,personally I think I am just a struggling muslim.

I consider myself as a fail product of maahad,take out all my good friends and compare me to them.It is like comparing the sky and the land.We are different whether in terms o clothing and the way we talk ( I do curse every now and then,they don’t) or sometimes,our fikrah.But our fikrah is getting tallier now,whether they are becoming more open or I am becoming a bit closed.

I hate telling people that I spent my years during high school in maahad.There are many reasons and some of them ; I don’t want to taint the maahad’s suci reputation with my bad image.People sometimes react with “wow,Dijah,tak sangka”  or   “you don’t look like maahad-educated,you are so open regarding sex things”  or  “hahahaha seriously?ustazahhh” and worst  “you are such a disgrace to your alma-mater

Aish,I have been telling myself to keep this to myself but I believe I should share this.

My years in maahad was not easy,I was enrolled there because my mom believe that she should equip all her 7 kids with Islamic knowledge before letting us to experience the taste of real world.So,for 5 years,all of her kids (but one of my bro studies in tahfiz since 8 and another bro is in pondok since he was 16) will experience living in a restricted and controlled environment.

I started my first year in  maahad as a rebel,my friends still bring this up whenever our group gather.

“Sapa entah dulu rebel hahahahaha”

I listened to heavy metal and wanted to highlight my hair midnight blue and neon yellow,average mom would freak out.So off to maahad I went.

It was in maahad that I learnt things that I never bothered to know.I read a lot about Islam during my primary schools.I read about aqidah,tafseer,religion comparisons,Uthmaniyyah,Abasiyyah and many Islamic empires but that was without a teacher.When they say you have to learn things regarding reigion with teacher,it is usually  meant for the guide.Teachers could explain to you the rationale behind it,link the stories with tafseer,Quranic verse,other islamic events and hadeeth.When you study and read alone,you would not enjoy all these benefits.

We had awful lots of pengajian,more that I could remember.There were 3 wajib pengajian in asrama already,then we had two to three pengajian at school,we have weekly usrah,we have one week of Minggu Penghayatan Islam and one wajib pengajian during weekend.We also invited syeikhs locally and internationally to give talk to the students.I got so many pengajians but I already forgot most of the knowledge,the input already…Must be because I do not practise it for knowledge without implementation is like trees without branches.

I fall in love with Islam in maahad,and we got into religion talk a lot during Asasi that I revealed I was a maahad-educated-but-a-failed-one.It pains me sometimes how different I am with my friends,seniors and juniors.They are all no-ajnabi,tudung labuh,handsocks and socks where there is me…ya know..urm…

I am afraid,for as long as I remember,I am afraid of tudung labuh and baju labuh,I am afraid of people’s expectation when I dress up like my friends do.I am afraid that I might taint the clothes’ virtue.I am afraid I might be one of those pakai tudung labuh tapi carut,pakai tudung labuh tapi talk to ajnabi,pakai tudung labuh tapi sembang bab-bab dalam kain open and many more.

I purposely failed myself during MRSM Ulul Albab interview and did not want to go to Morocco’s interview.I am afraid and scared to be that woman with tudung labuh and to major in Islamic knowldge and bear the Ustazah tittle.This sounds silly,but I don’t think I am made for it.I am denial,for years.Most of my aunts wear tudung labuh,I know the nieces are expected to wear tudung labuh too.It is expected in our family but I choose not to.

Why?

Because I am afraid,scared and not ready.

I told my mom I will wear one when I am ready,I told my friends I won’t wear tudung labuh and I told myself ,nein.

I want to be a moderate muslim woman,but,lately,I have been watching DOPS  that is produced by Mizz Nina.I am taken aback,to many,they are lost and when they have found the light of guidance they are like…perghh mantap imannya.

I was in search too,but I was convinced when I was 15.That is 4 years ago,and how much I have progressed?Have I ever taught anyone about Islam seriously or have I kept what made me change only to myself,have I ever successfully revert anyone to Islam,how many dakwah have I done,and if I die at this distant ; can I explain myself to my God?

Am I ready to explain myself before Him?

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May this Ramadan be the time where we found our love for this deen.I found mine in Ramadan 2012,but the love faded…may I find back the love during this blessed Ramadan.May we find back ourselves.In sha Allah.Ameen.

 

#2 Letting Go

Disclaimer : This scrabble is very personal.I just think that it will be nice to share.You can call this – reminiscing old memories as a fangirl.

She’s a girl with old-scars,she’s a girl who is growing,she’s a girl who’s learning and above all she’s a girl.As simple as that.

Andi learnt that growing up means that you need to sacrifice a lots of things and growing up to means that you need to let go of precious memories.In her case,she does not have much memories except for her share of musics.

Andi was 8 when she first knew kpop.It was 2005 and there weren’t many kpoppers as it is in 2015,give and take,it’s been 10 years.She knew a lot.She can recite all of the histories and facts straight from her heart.She is like a walking kpop dictionary and encyclopedias,plus she has a very good memory.

Andi places her head onto the pillow,she shuts her eyes and bites her lips.

“This is how it suppose to be.People grow up,people change and some things is never the same..I change too,for good.”

Andi still can remember the hours she spent in front of the PCs,reading allkpop,soompi as they are the Al-Quran.She was so obsessed that every inch of her room was filled with her favorite group posters – which apparently all the groups she listened to,minus the girl groups.She hated the girl groups – acting all giddy,cute and haha..it is just pure jealousy that they look very good.

In the old times,Andi spent most of her time scurrying in her rooms.Apart from kpop,she also listened to mainland Chinese,Taiwanese,Japanese and HK singers.Ohh she is still in love with Mandarin – she thinks that Mandarin is heck sexier than French-English-slang.

Andi can recall too how hard she cried when Dong Bang Shin Ki splitted and Double S disbanded.She bawled her eyes out and did not eat for 2 days. (heckk Andy really loves foods.foods is life).Now she is sure that the girls cried too when Luhan and Kris went solo.Just like her..and the old memories of her and DBSK and SS501 floods to her mind.

The bitchy Park Jung Min and beautiful Kim Jaejoong were definitely her favorites.She read everything about them,memorized every single song they sang and watched every single video they were in.She remembered squealing when Kim Jaejoong appeared almost shirtless in Mirotic – oh so sexy (later Jaejoong had forgotten to wear shirts in their concerts and so does other idols – they go shirtless with their chocolate abs and fangirls go gaga over it -___-)  and Park Jung Min was so hot in Unlock,Deja Vu and Love Ya.Another word today,the girls would say their ovaries exploded when idols make comeback or rookies debute.As for me I would like to declare that my ovaries are still there in its place and haven’t exploded even I’ve experienced a lots of excitements.

Kpop also taught her friendship and brotherhood.The beautiful videos of Super Juniors – 12 of those dorks and SHINee.They seemed so real.She laughed and felt like those dorks were there laughing with her too.

Every variety shows,banjun dramas Andi had watched without fail.Even the ones without english subtitles.She prided herself for understanding Korean,Mandarin and of course Japanese.But now,after she quitted kpop and other forms of entertainment she realised that her abilities had worn out.You rest you rust.

She realised one of the reasons why she did not have any close friends is because she does not know how to keep in touch with them.You know like she can talk to everyone and crack jokes every now and then but when she get home she will shut down the whole world and focused on certain things.She only got one best friend in her entire life,well first they started as trio but ended up as duo.She did not blame Nana though because she also did not do much to persevere the friendship.She just like living alone and doing things on her own.At times, she likes company.But too much company is annoying.

There are a lot of fun things in kpop,really.There are the MVs,the reality shows,the idols own shows,concerts,fanfics,artfics and lyric parodies.They are there to make you not feeling bored and Andi enjoyed all of them until she began to realise to one point – this is not what she wants.

Excessive entertainment is not good for the heart – for the heart is actually quenched for something else.This is what Andi discovered two years ago and she is only managed to stop a year ago.It is really hard because she literally grow up with kpop but with time she heals.

Sometimes,just to check what is going on – Andi logged into her youtube accounts and watch few kpop MVs and glad that she quitted already.The entertainment is getting dirtier – no more innocent songs,innocent dances and innocent idols.They are all tainted,sexy,sensual and capitalised for more money.

There is no such thing as real thing.

The truth hurts,the reality bites.

Andi just glad,really,she’s glad.

She have found good companions – although there is no guarantee that this one will last,and she have also found new hobby out of kpop.Although she knows that she remembers,it is not a bother.

We all grow and we all change.Andi might grow out of kpop,you might grow out of heavy metals and others might have left their false beliefs,ideologies,hobies of lifestyle.All to be a better person,a better muslim from yesterday.

(^^V ) (>…<) (Y.Y)
can you relate?ahaks.