A Letter

A lot of things about myself have changed,but not my smile.I still laugh and smile the same way I did when I was a kid.My only worry is that one day I will stop smiling.

The world is harsh,people are harsh,environment is harsh,moral is depleting and humans are killing each other.

I long for the time I was younger when we did not have all these technology advancement.

More often,the technology that brings us together also sets us apart.

I miss the feeling of not having to check my phone and email,having a nice cup of coffee by the balcony while talking to a family member or close friend.Or runnning across the field,trying to fly the kite up high in the sky.Or camping with a group of close friends; sharing stories by the firewoods at night.

I yearn for the times we all value privacy and intimacy rather than publicly uploading them on social medias.

I crave for the day we give each other cards on special ocassions,neighbours sharing food,friends going to each other places and the time when trust is not an issue.

I would love to have to ask my friends how they are feeling rather than just tweeting to them some random tweets.Or congratulate them personally.
I wonder how it feels to curl in the bed thinking about actual conversations as I lately only experience virtuals one.

I pine for close human interaction,walking back home greeted by familiar faces,jogging and saying hi to the passer-by.

Everybody gets so caught in the world and working hard to the extend that even people living in the same place have became strangers!

Out,they say!

But where?

The crime rates are increasing not to mention the horrible reports on rapes.We don’t feel safe anymore.

I have to lock every grill in my house when my parents left for  work and my brothers left for school.

I am not allowed to ride bicycle alone,even to the nearest paddy field.
I know why I am controlled;  females are weaker than males.And are likely to be exposed to crime scene – kidnapping,snatch-theft and rape.

I am forlorn,I am torn,I am confused,I am heartbroken,I am bored and I am of many.

But I know one thing,I would not let these to dictate my goals in life.

Sincerely,
Abhorred female.

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Pesta Pelam

Assalamualaikum, 

Sekarang ni musim buah mangga atau mempelam tapi di utara kami panggil pelam sahaja. Selalunya orang mesti mengidam nak makan pelam harum manis namun harganya agak mahal bagi golongan sengkek seperti aku.Jadi aku hanya makan pelam biasa yang dipetik dari pokok yang ditanam oleh ayah didepan rumah. 

inilah pokoknya,berbudi pada tanah in sha Allah ada berkatnya

Orang muda mestilah snapchat segala-galanya *menyampah dengan diri sendiri*

Disebabkan terlalu banyak pelam yang tinggal untuk dimakan oleh keluarga, aku terpaksa mengvariasikan cara makan. 

Kemudian aku teringat aku pernah minum mango juice di Perhentian tempoh hari. Tak pasti samada juice ataupun smoothie… HAHAHA APANI ORANG KEDAI

Kupas pelam dua biji, potong, campak dalam blender, tambah ketul ais sebanyak yang hang suka, bubuh air sikit dan kalau rasa nak manis lagi tambah susu pekat manis. Tapi pelam tu pun dah manis belecas cek oi!! 

nak minum terus dari blender sebenarnya
tapi ubah fikiran

Tika ini

Ini yang membuatkan aku putus asa dan hanya ingin menyendiri sendiri seorang diri. 

Mungkin kesunyian boleh diubati dengan membela seekor kucing walaupun aku tidak sukakan kucing. 

Bukan bodoh dan bukan jua tuli namun punya rasa berang apabila tidak dilayan selayaknya. 

Mungkin, ini maksudnya. 

Untuk aku pergi ke tempat asing. 

Don’t Think That You Will Get To Know People From Their Social Media Accounts

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Assalamualaikum,

Almost everyone I know have social media account ; some are insanely active while some,well,barely update anything.

I notice how sometimes we judge others based on their social media accounts’ posts.We all have one,and we only show others what we want to be shown so why don’t we treat others the same as well?

I came across my friend’s ig last night.While we aren’t very close,I know her story very well since we lived in the same hostel and we used to share personal things.

If you never knew her personally,you will think that she’s that happy-go-lucky girl with no problems and insecurities.Contrary to that,she has a lot on her plate and I doubt if I could ever make it if I was her.

So saying that “I know you from your posts that you are ….bla bla bla” could be wrong sometimes.The best way to get know someone is by spending time with him.So,try to get in touch in real life!

 

Think that you know me from what I post online?

 

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Nah.

What Is It That You Seek In This Life

Salam y’all

I am typing this while watching Portugal VS Austria,yep,doing both over the desktop.Quite a handy gal,aren’t I?And..football?The game that once made me yawn to the utmost boredom?Ahaks,I had been bitten by a football bug I guess.Yikes.Actually my friend and my bro influenced me to watch football.

So,thanks?

hello
this is how my desktop looks like 

It is hard to focus on two jobs at one time huh?

I think I will resume when the game is getting boring,but who am I kidding?Haha.

I have been living the nights lately,but not the way I always wanted it to be.It is the holy month of Ramadan,I know I should be praying tahajjud,perform qiamullail and read Al-Quran.All I do is scrolling twitter and whining about friends not being there for me.Yes,sounds freaking annoying even by typing this make me want to slap myself,hard.

Just a few hours ago,I have been reading how to detox,how to stop social media addiction and stuffs.I even seriously considered to put away my smartphone for a week.Phew,that was close!

I think I might as well just list few of things that has been bothering me.

1. Friends

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sunset-watching in Perhentian 

I think they are all leaving me and not being there for me.Don’t get me wrong,don’t get em wrong.They are all nice people and very much caring.

I think it is all me.

I was born in a big family,I am constantly surrounded by people.Later I was enrolled in boarding school where we practically did everything together.Soon,I got into foundation and spent near a year in college,also with friends.

I hate being alone,that’s the problem.

I never have a gang,I am green with envy when I see a group of friends who are very close and call themselves sisterhood or brotherhood.I never taste and experience those sorts of things.Aida pointed out that I am a drama-avoidant person.Perhaps Aida is right.Because I hate drama,I hate gaduh-lepastu-merajuk,I hate gedik girls and I hate waiting…Being in a group means we have to wait for each other.But I would like to experience it once.Just so I can tell what I miss.

Also,I began thinking that this one good friend who had helped me a lot in the deen is leaving me.We do not use endearment anymore,we used to call each other baby.Yeah,geli kan hahaha I don’t blame you.She might feel disgusted by the endearment which makes her left me (? Omo sounds so childish).It has been long,since this year,around February.I told my roommate about it,she said it was normal and I should not expect my good friend to contact me every day.

I agreed with her,friendship is not measured with the amount of time you spent with a person rather a person you enjoy spending the time with.All is alright until I found out they had this group chat without me.I was like,DARN!,how could you?

Then again,I should not sweat over this small stuff.Neither you should,my dear readers.Why would you go begging people to love you?If they want you,they will come.If they don’t seek for you anymore and do not bother to keep in touch,just let it go.

I am so lucky that I got myself a best friend for 11 years,we have been friends since 8.

You don’t have friends,go make new one.Please don’t waste your energy and time waiting for someone,thinking why they do not contact you,or have they found new friends that they ditched you?

I do contact them frequent,asking how their days are going.But you can tell really,when your friends are really interested to reply or just ignore you.You want someone,you contact them,they do not show any interest,just walk away.

There are many more good people in this world,in sha Allah you will meet someone who truly value,appreciate,respect,love and adore you.

2. Coping with loneliness

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I am not only bored,I am also lonely

It happens because I sleep after Subuh,it has been 3 weeks since I have this abnormal sleeping patterns.We sure know the famous verse :

And it is He Who makes the night a covering for you, and the sleep (as) repose, and makes the day Nushur (i.e. getting up and going about here and there for daily work, etc. after one’s sleep at night or like resurrection after one’s death).(25:47)

Spending the nights alone,in a big fairly house is not okay.I used to enjoy it,because it means I can read my books and write.Now that I don’t read that often (sedih,I know,I used to be obsessed with books,I miss the old me) nor I do write (back then when I actively wrote fics)

Scrolling twitter is not therapeutic,it kills!So don’t make it a habit to scroll down twitter and instagram when you are bored,and lonely.

I asked around,then a friend told me.I might be far from Him.

Which turned out to be true,so the past days,I have been taking a bit of my time after praying to read Al-Quran.Not many pages,just one or two,sometimes three or four.Depending on the day and the time.Too bad,it is Ramadan and I should be trying to recite the whole Al-Quran.

I am lucky because I am living in Ramadan,we are in the second phase,of which is maghfirah.May Allah forgive all of our wrongdoings!Allahumma ameen.

I tried to put my bloody phone away during buka puasa,and spent time with family members.Both my parents are working hard which means I don’t get to see them often because of their working schedules .Gotta optimize all the chances,baby.

Also,abnormal sleeping patterns could contribute to depression,deteriorating heaths as well as headache.

3.Planning the future

I live in rural area,although now it doesn’t seem so rural anymore haha.They will build an airport nearby,not sure I have to be happy or not but I can go  work there during semester break.

I seriously want to go to Palawan in 2017,but because of financial circumstances,the plan has to be postponed.Well,man proposes God disposes.

Then,I began searching for hobbies to keep me full on hands.Free time is a bitch sometimes,it makes you overwhelmed with loneliness.I will enjoy a life where I have to do many things but manage to get rest every now and then.I don’t want a chilled life.I am suffocated!

The hobbies have to be cool and suit me well,more importantly,it has to be physical so I can stay in shape.I don’t want to be fat,please no.

As a result,in sha Allah I’ll keep diving,swimming,hiking,running and biking on my top lists.The other side hobbies would be cooking,baking and sewing (because I am so so so terrible at them,but I gotta feed my family and it would be nice to sew clothes at least once for the family)

I am also planning my career,almost everyone knows my ambitions and dreams.Let’s just pray and work hard to make them into realities!Allahumma ameen.

 

4. Get back to the basic

I’ll continue doing what I love.I’ll continue to write even no one reads,I’ll keep doing everything I love,as long as it is not haram,without a single damn care how people will look at me.I used to not give a damn,the old rebellious me,but the new Khadijah is too self-conscious T__T blahlah hang

hello1
lies I tell T_T

The crush thingy,I am not over it,yet.I still stalk him every single day.But I recently watched Dr. Zakir Naik’s video (not intended to watch,I was watching Mirror Of The Witch MV then got the video on my suggestions) .The viewer asked him how he trained his children and one of his answers strucked me hard – it started when I married my wife.

What kind of kids you dream of raising of?I want kids that love Islam,that have such big hearts and souls,those kids who are smart and are not frightened by anything or anyone,the kids who fear their Lord.

Marry someone who you think will be able to provide for you and your kids.Don’t marry someone just because of their looks,or their social media accounts make they look so good and all.

I never thought I would be talking about marriages and shit,but I have been doing a lot lately.Oh please,I really need to occupy my free time.

Anything goes wrong,turn back to Him.Turn back to your Lord.Turn back to Allah.I am far from Him right now,I miss crying to Allah late at night,telling him what bothers my heart and asking Him to heal it for me.Come back to Allah.

So,stop whining and complaining on Twitter.I just realised how much time I spent on twitter alone considering I created that account after foundation ended.

Get back to the basic,make yourself proud of yourself.Contribute to the society,try to do all the wajibs and and try to do sunats as well.

If you are lost,and confused,just like me..take a deep breath and think rationally what is behind all of these mess?

 

 

Late Night Maggi

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There’s something melancholic about eating maggi late at night.She usually sleep at 4am and she’ll be having her usual Maggi Kari Berapi with a nice Iced Sarsi.

While savouring each spoon she thinks about her life,people she knows,books she had read and places she has been to.

Late night,early morning – both are the time when people feel either lonely or peaceful.

But,she thinks nothing matters as long as she has her maggi with her.

Cara Aku Kuasai Bahasa Inggeris

Assalamualaikum,

Dah lepas 1/3 Ramadan,bagaimana dengan ibadah kalian?Harap-harap Ramadan kali ini membawa seribu satu makna buat kita semua,in sha Allah.

Aku terfikir nak tulis entri ni,lepas moreh tadi.Sebab adik aku mengadu Bahasa Inggeris pelik dan sebagainya.Lepastu dia pi pulak sebut ‘kingdom’ dengan domnya cara hang sebut papadom.T__T

Aku tak reti Inggeris langsung masa tahap 1,tahu baca dan boleh tulis sikit-sikit.Tapi nak cakap tu,jangan harap.Menggeletar baqhang.Pernah tu time bercuti dekat Batu Feringghi lepastu aku dan adik aku naik lif dengan mat saleh sorang ni.Kebetulan kami sama tingkat bilik hotel,dia suruh aku tekan button lift lepastu aku tunjuk 8.Bukan aku taktau lapan tu eight dalam Bahasa Inggeris tapi aku macam “Nak cakap tingkat lapan cemana eh?” Waktu tu aku darjah 2.

Masa darjah 1,aku nak masuk pertandingan bercerita tapi aku tak reti baca dengan lancar Bahasa Inggeris,macam sangkut-sangkut.Waktu saringan,aku bawa buku cerita lepastu bila cikgu suruh baca aku terkebil-kebil.Lepastu cikgu tanya, “Kamu reti baca tak?” aku teleng.Cikgu suruh balik kelas.Sedih bila ingat balik…

buku ni,tapi tajuk Cinderella

Bukan mak aku tak ajar,berlambak buku Bahasa Inggeris kat rumah tapi aku ni pemalas.Asyik nak keluar main aci ligan saja petang-petang.Tak pun main racing basikal,time tu rasa gangster habis :’)  Almaklumlah dekat kawasan perumahan tu ramai budak kecik boleh dibuat kawan.

sampai kesudah aku tak baca habis Peter & Jane tu,Read Easy pun sama.last-last aku baca sendiri bila dah teringin nak kuasai Bahasa Inggeris.

Banyak je moment yang buatkan aku kerdil sangat sebab Bahasa Inggeris aku cikai.Aku pandai teori,contohnya cara tukar plural singular,preposition tapi memang lemah bila nak cakap,atau buat ayat panjang.

Darjah 3,kena masuk story telling (peringkat daerah je pun) sebab ganti kawan aku,Huda.Aku ni sejak kecik level of confident tinggi.Memang jenis yang kurang pemalu so aku redah.Banyak gila sebutan aku salah tapi cikgu aku perbetulkan,mak aku pun perbetulkan.Bukan aku faham sangat pun apa aku dok cerita sambil buat gaya loncat sana loncat sini.

Darjah 4,aku dah galak kekeke dah start belajar tengok drama online.Walaupun waktu tu internet masih Dial-Up aku sanggup bersabar nak tunggu drama loading.Tengok dekat mysoju,sapa tak kenal mysoju tak cukup otai lagi okay dalam drama ni haha.Jadi,waktu tu la aku macam cuba nak belajar sikit-sikit Bahasa Inggeris.Bukannya apa,takda niat mulia pun,cuma nak faham apa yang Matsumoto Jun cakap je.

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hawt tau dulu Hana Yori Dango

Sepupu aku terer Bahasa Inggeris,kalau main barbie mesti ada sorang jadi orang gaji sorang jadi orang kaya.Barbie aku la jadi orang gaji sebab tak pandai speaking.Lepastu pengaruh hedonisme mesti barbie ada pertandingan menyanyi.Sepupu aku semua pakat nyanyi lagu English.Aku memang bukan jenis dengar lagu,aku layan k-pop mana layan mat saleh jadi aku nyanyi lagu Twinkle Twinkle Little Star selalu.

Akhir tahun 2008 baru aku mula nak pastikan diri aku kuasai Bahasa Inggeris.Sebab Ujian Penilaian Tahun Lima aku dapat 4A1B ,B Bahasa Inggeris,markah 78.Huwaaa lagi 2 nak A.Aku frust gila sebab semua budak-budak Anugerah Cemerlang dapat join rombongan sekolah pergi mandi kat Lost World Tambun.Dah la yang rombongan tahun sebelum aku tak boleh pergi sebab kena demam campak T__T

Walaupun langit tak selalunya cerah,mentari tetap menampakkan sinar.Tetiba aku rajin baqhang nak kuasai Bahasa Inggeris.Aku nak buktikan kat semua orang yang pandang rendah dekat aku selama ni yang aku boleh.Yang aku,bukan sebodoh dan semalas yang mereka sangkakan.Aku kan tinggal kat hulu,cakap nama tempat aku menetap ni mesti hang taktau punya.Orang suka buat lawak bangang yang semua tinggal disini tuli-tuli belaka.Acewah,terbakau tak?

1. Aku baca kamus 

Aku stressed sebab bila aku baca buku dan tengok drama,aku tak faham perkataan kena rujuk kamus.Memanglah mak aku ada boleh tanya,tapi mak aku pun sibuk tahu.Entah macam mana aku dapat idea bernas nak hafal kamus.Setiap hari aku hafal dalam 100 perkataan.Waktu tu tak banyak dosa lagi,jadi ingatan memang alhamdulillah kuat.Sekali baca,scan,masuk terus dalam jiwa raga.Hari-hari aku selak kamus,sampai lunyai kamus Oxford aku tu.Kesayangan okay,kamus tu aku guna lagi sampai sekarang.

2. Aku banyak baca buku Bahasa Inggeris 

Rumah aku banyak je National Geographic,Discovery,Health Today,Readers’ Digest,Time tapi wa tak pernah berminat nak baca.Mak ayah aku ja consumed depa hari-hari.Untuk anak-anak,mak aku langgan Young Scientists,Tunas Sains,Adik Digital dan Disney setiap bulan.Jadi aku banyak baca majalah budak-budak sebagai permulaan.

Masuk darjah 6,macam Bahasa Inggeris aku improved banyak gila.Aku dah mula baca classical books yang Jane Austen,Arthur Conan Doyle dan Lucy Maud Montgomery.Walaupun banyak je perkataan dan frasa aku tak faham.Selalu aku rujuk mak akulah sebab mak kan suka baca buku Bahasa Inggeris.

Teacher Nurul pun impressed dengan aku.Walhal masa darjah 5 teacher ajar aku jugak,tapi aku ni ha tak reti sangat.Buat ayat pun tak sedap sangat baca.

 

3. Buat buku kecil & hafal frasa

Aku ada buat buku kecil ni,dimana aku salin perkataan atau frasa yang aku rasa sedap,ayat aku jumpak dalam novel atau lirik lagu.Lepastu aku guna dalam karangan aku.Dapat full marks uolls.

Dalam majalah Disney selalu ada idioms ,aku hafal yang tu la.Contohnya a blue bird told me ,once in a blue moon dan sebagainya.

 

4. Tengok series dalam Bahasa Inggeris

Time ni aku layan ANTM hahahahha sapa tak layan weh,dia punya riuh bodoh tu lawak gila.So aku suka buat lawak ngan kakak aku So you wanna be on top?

antara series yang menjadi igauan aku,layan dekat tv8 je sebab aku takdak astro

Sambil tengok tu,otak aku pick up cara dia sebut perkataan,dan aku cuba cakap balik cuma jangan tanya kenapa pelat aku takda gaya American mahupun British.Iolls rendah diri >_<

Bila dah tengok ni,aku ada confidence nak bertutur dalam Bahasa Inggeris diluar pentas Story Telling.Sebab keluarga aku bukan english-speaking.Semua bantai cakap Kedah ja,pastu bila balik Sik cakap lorat Sik orang was-was aku ni minah kelate ko?

Pelan pelan aku kutip keyakinan aku,nak cakap depan orang ramai dalam bahasa yang hang tak selalu tutur bukan satu perkara yang mudah.

5. Aku mula menulis 

Tahu tak kenapa penulisan bahasa Inggeris hang tak bagus?Sebab hang praktikkan/menulis waktu peperiksaan saja.Hang tak bagi peluang pada diri hang untuk buat kesilapan sebelum peperiksaan.

Maka,aku mula aktif dalam Friendster,kawan dengan orang Filipina lah.Bajet kan macam depa tu terer sangat bahasa Inggeris.

Lepastu aku melebarkan sayap mula komen dekat Youtube bawah video kpop,waktu tu mashaAllah jangan cakaplah grammar semua kelaut.Alhamdulillah youtube dah deleted akaun aku yang satu tu.Penuh dengan kepoyoan.

Darjah 6,dalam seminggu mesti aku tulis satu karangan dan paksa mak aku cek.Mak aku bukan rajin sangat nak melayan kerenah aku.Tapi sebab aku persistent dan akan merajuk maka aku dilayankan.

6. Aku suka bertanya 

Aku memang suka tanya soalan,sampai sekarang pun.Pergi sekolah memandu cikgu aku mengamuk kat aku sebab aku tanya kenapa kena tekan klac haha.Baran betul,terang je la kat aku dari sudut kejuruteraan -_-

Aku tak ingat jenis soalan aku kalau kelas bahasa Inggeris tapi yang pasti aku akan tanya.Wajib.Apa yang aku rasa musykil atau pelik,aku tak teragak-agak.Walaupun kebanyakan soalan aku bodoh.

Dah kelas bahasa Inggeris maka kenalah tanya dalam bahasa Inggeris.Jadi kurang rasa awkward untuk cakap dalam bahasa Inggeris.Dulu nak mintak permisi nak gi jamban dalam bahasa Inggeris pun rasa pelik sampai tolak-tolak kawan aku suruh dia yang cakapkan.

Kemudian…

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aku jatuh cinta pada membaca

Aku mula jadi avid reader,aku akan baca apa saja yang aku nampak.Sebelum ni macam baca buku Bahasa Melayu yang biasa-biasa.Contoh buku kisah para nabi,buku jin,perbandingan agama,sejarah Melayu,sejarah Islam tapi kemudiannya mempunyai hobi aneh membaca ensiklopedia.Aku obsessed nak tahu segala-galanya.Macam manabuku dicetak,baju dijahit,proses pembuatan dan kemenjadian.

Maka mulalah aku hidup dengan kaca mata akibat terlalu suka membaca dalam gelap.

antara koleksi novel bahasa Inggeris.aku,mak,dan kaklong suka romance,thriller dan gore.tapi kadang-kadang layan je semua hehe  meh la bagi hadiah aku buku tapi sebelum tu tanya dulu aku dah ada ke belum.

Masuk sekolah menengah,tetiba aku jadi terer bahasa Inggeris walhal 2 tahun sebelum tu dapat B 😦

Aku joined debate team dan dapat jadi naib timbalan Kelab Bahasa Inggeris.Kefasihan dan kepetahan aku mengundang persoalan ramai orang sebab aku tinggal kat kampung.Ya,manusia dan sikap suka pandang rendah kepada orang yang tinggal di pedalaman.

Ok lah kot,kalau ada apa-apa nak tanya boleh komen dibawah atau dm aku dekat twitter @knaixx_ dah pagi ni wa nak sahur.Sejam aku tulis tahuu.Semoga bermanfaat!Believe in yourself and you can do it!