I Have Finished My First Year in UPM!

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I have just finished my first year in UPM a few days ago. I was actually thinking to write the blog post when I was in the bus,on the way back to Kedah but unfortunately I fell asleep and woke up for buka puasa and resumed back my sleep after that. I was only awake when we entered Kulim ,to text my dad my whereabout. We can only plan,but God will decide…hehe

By the way now I am sitting on jati chair,it is raining outside.My brother let the sliding door opened so the wind come blowing inside. I also could listen to the engine motor noise from the road,accompanied by the sound of thunder. Alhamdulillah. This is so therapeutic . I am listening to 4 O’Clock by Rap Mon and V . I am a newborn Army thanks to Bibi lmao.

Anyways,back to finishing the first year. What do I feel? How does it change me as a person? How much did I learn? Do I make many friends? Do I lose some friends too?

Reading French in UPM was my first choice in UPU. I remembered that it was in one of my childhood’s dream to go to France or Spain to study French or Spanish. However despite scoring 10As in SPM, I was doomed. MARA unfortunately no longer sponsor for those programs. I did bad during my interview, I didn’t get scholarship for tertiary education. Because I am always interested in law and legal stuffs,I went to read law in UiTM. Well,not really read law haha. I got into Law Foundation in UiTM. And boi,I had blast alhamdulillah. I think it was the first time in my life I got to meet and befriend with like-minded people. However when deciding what I wanted to major in university, I got torn between reading law or French. I put German as my second choice,just so and law in my third choice because we had to fill in 12 choices Allahu. I decided to go with my childhood’s dream ,to read French, to become a writer, to have my own TV show, to be a journalist, to run a lingerie business and to make friends with people from all over the world.

God know best. Despite getting closer to my dream and got my first choice. I was not happy. I am now. But in my first semester I was so upset. I had a friendship break up. I lost a friend I always confided in. I lost my will to fight and to excel. Lucky me I had my asasi friends who are very supportive of me. I thought of dropping out and applied for Law UiTM or Law UM. At least I have asasi friends there.

Nonetheless, I persevered and fighted with the demon inside. I went to meet counsellor and had sessions with him. I talked to my parents and sister about this. I discussed with my friends I made back in college. I am going to do this.

The reason why I wanted to quit is because this wasn’t what I expected I would be facing and experience. When I got the offer, I was thankful and imagined my classmates would be those who read Dickens to sleep. I was wrong. Only three of us chose this as first choice in UPU, for others it was their 2nd,and even 12th! Upon knowing that, I thought to myself … Damnn I applied first for kos lelong. Kos lelong is course in which there’s no much hope to work with the degree or it is when UPU threw incompetent people into. I was wrong. Of course.

It is up to you to make the best of everything, if I went for law ; would I be happy? If it is for the prestige and glam ,it didn’t stay long. Reading law is tough. To be working in legal field is even tougher. Reading French, I would say is bearable. It is not too many compared to law. I wouldn’t excel if I were to read law. Because I know that I am person of passion , I could only do it if I have passion in it. Money- wise , I will need to work really hard to earn a lot with this degree,since it is not professional. I will be graduating with Bachelor of Arts (: and I sincerely pray it will come with honors ,Allahumma ameen.

I think I learnt more about myself this one year. It is more about self-discovery . I learnt how to control my emotions more. I learnt whom to trust and whom to not. I learnt to not expect people to love you the way you love them . I learnt to get back,even after life been throwing shit . Life never gave me lemon for me to make lemonade,so far.

I have one regret this semester, I forgot to fill in borang pindah bilik and will be sharing the small room with four people. I will make sure I don’t forget to fill in the changing room form for single room next semester. I also hope to get JPA scholarship/loan next semester in sha Allah. If not JPA, please Bank Rakyat. Pray for me.

Always keep the faith. (:

 

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What Happens After You Are Hurt 

Nobody wants to experience the aftermath of a failed relationship with someone one really love. However, the world doesn’t really hear our plea at times and decided to throw shit so that we know we ain’t walking on a bed of roses.

What happens after you are hurt?

Right after the relationship ends, you won’t be sad immediately. You will feel anger surging inside. You will feel hatred all over your heart. You hate the person for not valuing you. You will hate that person for not loving you the way you love him/her. You will hate that person for not fighting over you and you… Will ultimately hating her/him for walking away and never turning back.

Next, you will feel incredibly sad. Sadness will haunt you at night. Self-pity, self -loathe. You will start degrading yourself. What is wrong with you that she/he left. Why? Am I not good enough? Why wouldn’t you contact me anymore? What’s with all our memories together? Gone with the wind?

Afterwards, you will feel resentment. After those nights crying yourself to sleep, you are done. You are done will this shit. Damn her. Damn him. You don’t even deserve me. Don’t ever come back.

Next is bitterness. The worst phase where you just no longer be able to give yourself fully. You see a happy couple, or you could think of is; they are gonna break up. When there is a new person approaching you; the past will start playing back in front of you; like slide show with sad background music. It will all gonna be the same. They will leave me, at the end.

You might as well seek for counseling if this happens to you. We all deserve second chance of happiness. Don’t let the past dictate your happiness. Don’t let one bad apple to ruin you whole life. You have many more years to explore your life. Don’t bring along this chapter of your life. Burry it somewhere far, somewhere distant. Get professional help to do so. Face it. Don’t sweep it off under the carpet. Deal with it. Read this chapter out loud and then close it and never ever read it.

Memories With Sekretariat Akademik Kolej 12,UPM Sesi 16/17

Pheww.I better post now,or I am never writing about this,ever again.Me and my lazy bum.Well not lazy,just demotivated 😛

As we all know,I get stucked with academic stuffs ever since school because I dislike the sunshine much and I rather type long-ass report rather than marching under the hot scorching Kedah sun.Kedah is hawt,like,literally hawt.I am thankful I am now studying in Selangor for that matter,hihu.

So I was the secretary and I kept writing letters with errors on them!Ugh.So annoying.

Before jumping to the serious points,I’d like to say that degree life is so different compared to asasi life.Really.I cannot do thing I love that often.Sometimes because of the time restriction,the strength to do it,the geography ,and lack of friends….well the last one sound made-up hehe.I am just trying to gain sympathy from asasi friends who are still studying with other asasi friends (lucky ugh).

  1. I no longer do make up,that much.I am so lazy.And I have 8AM classes,I sleep at 4AM and wake up at 7AM and daa….sempatkah??? Apart from that,I don’t have Marsya to put make up on me..sobs  T_T

2. I don’t do anything crazy..anymore.I am so well-behaved and I don’t like it.In previous uni,I did :

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panjat pagar mawar tengah malam
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panjat menara engineering at 3am

3. Modelling HAHAHAHA Because the walls aren’t that pretty.But I did some photoshoots (HAHAHAHA) at Rumah Tradisional,wearing traditional clothes.

prolly the kayu-est model wannabe you have ever met in your entire existence XD

And so many other fun things I’d rather keep to myself.Anyway my first year as a degree student life is a serious one.Reminding me of my alma mater years.Ah well,the lecturers in asasi pampered us too much.

Let’s get started !

*Get started to what*

KRIKK KRIKKK KRIKKK

After the Minggu Destini Siswa ended,my MTMs told us that we needed to join 3 sekretariats.I chose academics,entrepreneur and sports .Later we went to academics meeting and I was voted to be the secretary.We were to handle a program that was new to UPM.Spill Ink Not Blood.It was previously done by the UiTM Lendu students and we would like to introduce the same program,with the same name to UPM as well.Kewl,isn’t it?

Honestly,I believe that people voted me to be the secretary because I wear glasses and look like a nerd….Yeah whatevs.

Our first program was Penblade where we had to teach elementary kids English.It was a collaboration with Englishjer and Projek Ihsan.It was held at Surau Hamideen,Seksyen 19,Shah Alam. (I LOVE SHAH ALAM)

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The next program is  Aphabeats ,but it was handled amongst the third year and second year.As Dayah put it “Izat and his gang” XD

The third program and the only program handled by us,the first years ; Spill Ink Not Blood!!

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It was super tiring,I tell you,handling program.We have to do many stuffs.From paperworks to dealing with the kerenah birokrasi,having your proposal/letters rejected and having to redo it and with some of the committee members acting up ; not giving much commitment. Eg ; going to IOI when we  freaking need to do rehearsel.Ended up we didn’t do the rehearsal,and they were not many commitee members showing faces when we were busily preparing for the program in the evening..The decorations hadn’t finished and honestly I was so devastated when not many showed up.Those who didn’t show up because they had classes,I don’t mind.But those who didn’t have classes yet didn’t show up…well…I just hope everyone learn their lessons.The reason why I am typing this,is because I want my readers to know this possibly happens when you handle program and to stay strong it it happens hehe #beringatsebelumkena

Alhamdulillah the program went well and the responses were overwhelming.When I heard those sweet responses,I felt immensely proud of my team!We did it!!!!

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But it was fun 🙂 I am not typing this to make me look like a positive vibrant person who always look at life from angel’s point of view.But I realised and learnt many things whilst preparing for the program.I learnt soft skills,of which,I heard is something that employers looking for in their employees these days. Dear future employer,if you happened to read my public blog ,please know that I love doing works and working with humans (computers and printer as well).

I learnt how to negotiate and convince people.I learnt not to mix my personal issues with my professional work.I learn to stay calm ; even when I knew I messed things up.I learn to accept that I am flawed,and need to redo my works and hand it on time.I learnt to talk with people,professionally,over the phone.I learnt to talk to people with powers. (you know,superiors?) I learn that miscommunication always happens,and when it happens ;you shouldn’t be too hard on it.Shit happens.Handle with it with style.

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thanks Dayah for the write up…hehe

 

The last program we had is English Drama.I was in the techincal team.It was..tiring as well.Eventhough I didn’t do much ; I was still tired.HAHA.

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Halia is the director,I tagged along because “we wear the same shirt”

To wrap things up : we went for dinner at Pizza Hut,IOI.Fully sponsored by our beloved MTMs ; Dayah and Izat. Well Bro Izat.He hates when I call him ‘bro’ because it makes him feel old #oldfart but I will keep calling him that just to tease him…

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Finally,I would like to thank everyone who helps me and of course to my team. MTMs ; Hidayah and Izat.My members ; Wani Rajin,Halia,Atirah,Ammar and Adibah.Couldn’t make it without you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Forgive me for my shortcomings,please! *juseyo*

Selamat ber- Leaders to future MTMs.

Dijah is signing off.

Buzzz…

Buzzzzzz…

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

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On Life,Death,Longingness,Loneliness and Punishment of Goblin;The Lonely and Great God.

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What more can you expect from a drama written by Kim Eun Sook who previously wrote scripts for Descendants of The Sun.Goblin is a big-budgeted drama starred by Gong Yoo,Kim Go Eun,Kim Dongwook and Yoon In-Na.When I said big budget..the budget is really big.From the cinematography,to the OSTs,props,clothes and CGI ; the producers are indeed invested a lot in this drama and the result is not disappointing.Goblin topped the chart in Korea and is extremely popular among K-drama enthusiasts.

Wow.I sound like Allkpop now.

Basically we have two couples in here,Kim Shin (Goblin) and Eun Tak,Wangyeo (Grim Reaper) and Sunny (Sunny not Sun-hee).Goblin and Eun Tak’s love is the sad love as Eun Tak had wished in the earlier episode and Grim Reaper and Sunny’s love is the sad one as well.Thank god we have Goblin and Grim reaper’s bromance to lift up the mood in this drama!

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first meeting of Euntak and Kim Shin

The most beautiful thing about the drama is the way it portrays the sacred life and death flawlessly.The most precious gift that we are blessed is our ardent desire to live.

Death and Life.

As someone who has epiphany for death & life related piece,this piece of arts touches my heart.Goblin has already died but then came back to life and lived in agony for 900 years until he met his bride,Eun Tak.Later,he lived in between death and life for 9 lonely years in the tundra (this I would elaborate later in longiness).

In the last episode it was revealed that grim reaper is someone who has committed biggest sin of which is taking one’s own life ; committing suicide.Their punishment is to be neither living nor dead,and to usher countless people in deaths.Although they have no memories and names but they still need food and home to live in.

Grim reaper stated he was searching for answers, when one day it occurred to him:

“That the things we’d given up—our names, the lives we threw away—were the very things I began to want. That when we long for life desperately, our punishment may be over.”

South Korea is ranked among the highest number of suicides in the world.And there this drama talking about wanting back the lives once they threw away is when their punishments are over.I hope the viewers who are depressed and suicidal will cease to appreciate life after they watch this drama.

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“My sister,my friend,and my bride have all left.And as always,I am alone.”

 

Longingness,loneliness and punishment.

The days where Goblin longs for Euntak…

The days where Grim reaper longs for Sunny…

The days where Euntak longs for Goblin …the sudden pain she felt in her heart where she didn’t know why she felt that way,what memories she had lost,who and what.

The days where Sunny longs for grim reaper…we all thought she had forgotten all her memories when grim reaper kissed her and wished her happy ending.

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In all honesty,I sobbed when Sunny drafted her letter and sent it to radio station.That was when everyone realised that Sunny had indeed still have her memory intact.God wanted to grant her oblivion but she was too proud,saying  that in her place even God had to pour himself his water.Aigoo gurl.

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” We won’t see each other again in this lifetime”

She loved him with all her heart,but she couldn’t bring herself to forgive him in this lifetime.Hence she left him because it was the greatest punishment she could give to him.It is the punishment of loneliness and longingness.Sunny’s parting from Grim reaper made him a sobbing mess.He bawled his eyes out in the room,and even Goblin’s cute veggies didn’t make him any better.

In this world,love and pain are strongly connected.You cannot love without feeling the pain.Sometimes instead of being with the person you treasure the most,you have to choose the painful path ; walking away.

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Finally they met again the next lifetime where the waiting is short and the meeting is long

The punishment for Goblin is that he had to live forever.At first he had to live and wait for his bride to be born to pull out the sword from his chest but later,in his longiness for Eun Tak he begged the almighty to let him live forever so that he can meet with Euntak and live happily with her with her remaining 3 lives.

People,the hardest punishment,I believe is the one given to Goblin.For 900 years he had to live in loneliness and watched his servants/acquaintances died.After 900 years he met his bride and it is either him or his bride die,he chose to die but he also refused to die.He got stuck in the tundra for 9 years,longing for Euntak.Because everything is white and Goblin had walked for miles,sometimes he walked backwards just to see his own footprints.

Imagine,being the one who lives and watching people you love come and go.

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meeting again in Euntak’s second life

This is the drama you want to watch if you want to sob,laugh,smile and ponder on the beauty of love and life particularly.Everything is very detailed carefully planned.I cannot spot any flaws.

And,Goblin and Grim reaper in this drama are extremely good-looking ; you won’t get that in other place!

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Till then,

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To Be A Kinder Me

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2016,well,to begin with was an unkind year to me.Though I shed tears a lot last year,I learnt many things.Truthfully,hard times always expose who your true friends are and those who genuinely care for you.I cannot thank Allah more than this,alhamdulillah.

What happened to me last year kind of turning me into a heartless mean girl.I just realised a few days ago that I smiled less.No wonder I had so much little energy left. :’)

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These are two incidents that made me realised what kind of person I have turned to be.

First incident :

I was in my second session with my counselor when he asked me “Do you believe it,Khadijah, if I said that I will be richer if I give you rm1k.

Chuckling,I promptly replied “Of course not,why giving away money will make you richer?

He smiled and replied, “There you go,you have to give first in order to receive.That is the nature’s law.

Second incident ;

I was waiting to get into waiting gate since I arrived at the TBS tad bit too early T_T then I decided to scroll the instagram rather than reading a novel I bought at BBW because it was the most convenient way since my bagpack was very much packed.

Later,from the corner of my eyes I noticed an old man,wearing old clothes and on a wheelchair was approaching everyone asking for money.I frowned.Why is he here?Why is he allowed to beg here?

He approached.Ah,nightmare.I frowned,again.Pretended not to see him.He was still there,waiting for me to give a few ringgits.I sighed.

I then gave him RM2 and he went somewhere else.

Then..I reflected on myself.

Wow,I am a bitch now.I frown at people.I am afraid to give just a few ringgit.I don’t want to share my rezeki with others.How much is it a few ringgit anyway?Why I need to act up all bossy like that?Well,who I am anyway?I am no one.So why I feel and act like a brat?

I analysed myself.

Prejudice. There are so many scams now that I am afraid that I might give my money 9or my parents’ money obviously) to the syndicate.

I simply don’t want to.I remember distinctly last year,I cried while what’s apping my friend,we weren’t close honestly but like I said earlier,hard times reveal your true friends.I told her that I am tired of being kind and I don’t want to be kind anymore.Kind people get hurt a lot.I am tired of it.

She lectured me,she said even Rasulullah got hurt but he still be kind.Remember the blind jew he fed everyday,the jew spat curses regarding him without knowing the one feeding him was the prophet S.A.W himself.

“There,that is how you treat people.Never stoop low.yes,you are hurt,but that doesn’t give license for you to hurt others as well.You are using this as an excuse to get away with unkind attitude.This is not you.”

2017,I will be a kinder version of myself.To always smile and never hesitate to offer help without asking for things in return,in sha Allah.

2016,the year that I forgot how to be kind.

Happiness Is A Choice 

Most of my happiness comes from Korean dramas these days

So, the first post written on new year!! Hahaha. So guess who spent the first 40minutes of new year wandering around the college wearing sleeping clothes in search of fireworks. ME!

Anyway, 2016 sucks bad. Coincidentally there are many of us who have it bad too. *high five*

I asked on my instagram post about what my friends have learnt throughout the year and one of them stated happiness is a choice. 

It is true, since we are the one who control our emotions and rationalities. We are the one who make the desicion. We are the master of our bodies and minds.

It would be stupid if you choose to be sad.

I went through a lot this year, I hinted here and there but never make clarification. Basically, it hurts a lot. And it affects many things of life especially my studies.

I once heard that when woman’s relationship in trouble, she cannot do work and when man’s work in trouble he cannot do relationship. 

I am so woman. LOL.

By the way I do not do many resolutions for 2017 except to keep going, become more grateful, learn more, read more ,smile more, communicate more ,rationalize more, travel more, save more and write a book!

Yeah you read it right.

In sha Allah I will start writing after the finals end!

May 2017 brings more fortune and happiness to us!  🎆🎇🎉🎉🎊🎊

16 Things I Have Learnt In 2016

Nope, I don’t have those I finally found myself clichés.And there are 16 things because 17 just doesn’t rhyme.

1. Forever doesn’t exist. 

Now you know you are fucked up when you said I love you forever. 

2. It is never a good thing to open up.

Because you will get attached and create this sort of expectation, and frankly, both sucks.

3. Communication is vital to avoid misunderstanding. 

And to enable you to get what you want. Win win.

4. It is okay to break down and to cry.

Tho it is not okay to cry yourself to sleep for 10 consecutive days. Get some help if this happens.

5. Too many things of everything is not good. 

6. Losing weight doesn’t mean you will not gain it back. In fact, you will! 

FML 🌚

7. What broke you can also heal you.

After you found some quiet time.

8. Reverse psychology sucks bad.

I believe anyone who does this has very terrible experiences growing up and negative influence.Takdak teloq ka nak tegoq depan-depan.

9. Always find time to do your hobbies.

Because once you stopped,you will feel it is harder to keep fighting and living.I know I paint it quite harsh but this is what happened to me. #truestory

10. You are the one who gives the definition to your life.

This is what my caunselor said.I know I owe my friends a post about what my caunselor shared with me but since it was personal and I haven’t healed yet,I will keep it drafted in my pc.

11. Just because everyone does it, doesn’t mean you need to. 

Boyfriend thingy. Relationship craps. Need to wear tonnes of makeup to appear more attractive. Need to go out often so you will be viewed as social. Tak pandai bergaya means kampung kolot.

12. You need to invest in timeless pieces.

Nice lipstick, good quality Jeans, good quality handbags, good quality sneakers,good quality watches.

You don’t need many stuffs or clothings, you just need one of everything but of good quality and off you go my girl 👅

13. Friends make your life a whole lot better. 

Thanks guys!!!!!!

14. Loving can hurt 💔

Yeah and I even need to visit counselor for this shitz.

15. Whatever you have in your mind,never buy it unless it is on sales.

I did this motha but I did it quite wrong.I bought the wrong size and now it is worn by my sister!!! *cries*

16. Just keep going 

I am saving the last for the best.I must say that 2016 gave me glimpse of adulthood and honestly adulthood sucks and lonely.You are all by yourself and if you cannot be by yourself now,I advise you to start doing so.

There are many times I want to give up everything but my friends told me to keep going and everytime I broke down faces of my parents played in my mind.(I know this happens to many of us)

I am okay with putting myself down.I had done it a few times but whenever I think of my parents’ sacrifices for me,for my siblings and our family ;I will tell myself to keep going.

Thinking how much money they have spent for my education and self-development.Thinking how they put aside their wants and prioritise my wants and sibs’ wants.So selfless.

And it would be so selfish of me if I were to give up for small reasons.Heh.

Last but not least,here is a saying I quoted from Kei.If you know her,she has been with me since 2008 :’)

When everyone runs ,

And no one decides to stay,

Then you will have to survive on your

own,

And that’s the greatest life lesson.

Adios amigo *nyanyi lagu shinee*