Why I Quit Writing

keeping-journal

I am listening to Rap Mon’s mixtape while writing this. Gawd, he sounds so sexy.

I have always love reading and writing . I was not a good writer , still am. I am still not a good writer . I used to write many fanfictions years ago , most involving EXO pairings. But then , due to my spiritual awakening I started to abandon writing. Earlier this year I tried to write creatives but failed. I couldn’t perform up par to my liking.

Years before my spiritual awakening , I wrote a lot. In English, eventhough my English sucks at that moment but nothing can stop me , well I guessed , at that moment. But you know, my hostel’s rules sucks. They rummaged into hostelites’ belongings , read every single shit of my writings and confiscated em. But of course , I never wrote fanfics in hostel ; that would be suicidal.

I quit writing because , I wasn’t confident in it. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid if people would come and bash me. Saying my writings aren’t good , too abstract or too direct to the point. I was afraid of failures that I gave up my passions.

Now everyone can write. When I was younger , I wanted to be the best . That was the insecure me. I wasn’t well-adjusted that I could still be the best , among the best. Or I could be just average , and that is just okay. Just do it for fun. Not for the sake of popularity or status or fame. It is irony , because today I have none.

No one reads my fanfictions (probably because I abandoned em u.u; ) . My poetry also not good.

But , because now I am practising self-acceptance , self-compassion and trying not to be too critical of myself ; I shrug it off.

Damn , do I answer the question why I quit writing?

Besides insecurity and feeling like it will not pay off ; I realise I quit because I didn’t get the supports from friends or family. Hell no. There’s no way my family would read my fanfictions. Even the thoughts of it is cringing maynnn. I felt unappreciated , and in all honesty it was why I stopped doing whatever things I was doing. I quit karate because my family never went to my tournaments. I was too accustomed of not seeing my family or parents during award that when I received my award for SPM I forgot to take photos with them. That’s inevitable since my parents are both working and they have many kids to look after. Coming for my awards would be a waste of time sobs. I always wonder how does it feel to receive undivided love……maybe I will hate it because I hate clinginess.

With that being said , I am working (kind of hard, but honestly I just spend my days watching BTS videos) on my writing. Writing is my therapy whether I get rewards or money from it or not.

 

 

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On Life,Death,Longingness,Loneliness and Punishment of Goblin;The Lonely and Great God.

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What more can you expect from a drama written by Kim Eun Sook who previously wrote scripts for Descendants of The Sun.Goblin is a big-budgeted drama starred by Gong Yoo,Kim Go Eun,Kim Dongwook and Yoon In-Na.When I said big budget..the budget is really big.From the cinematography,to the OSTs,props,clothes and CGI ; the producers are indeed invested a lot in this drama and the result is not disappointing.Goblin topped the chart in Korea and is extremely popular among K-drama enthusiasts.

Wow.I sound like Allkpop now.

Basically we have two couples in here,Kim Shin (Goblin) and Eun Tak,Wangyeo (Grim Reaper) and Sunny (Sunny not Sun-hee).Goblin and Eun Tak’s love is the sad love as Eun Tak had wished in the earlier episode and Grim Reaper and Sunny’s love is the sad one as well.Thank god we have Goblin and Grim reaper’s bromance to lift up the mood in this drama!

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first meeting of Euntak and Kim Shin

The most beautiful thing about the drama is the way it portrays the sacred life and death flawlessly.The most precious gift that we are blessed is our ardent desire to live.

Death and Life.

As someone who has epiphany for death & life related piece,this piece of arts touches my heart.Goblin has already died but then came back to life and lived in agony for 900 years until he met his bride,Eun Tak.Later,he lived in between death and life for 9 lonely years in the tundra (this I would elaborate later in longiness).

In the last episode it was revealed that grim reaper is someone who has committed biggest sin of which is taking one’s own life ; committing suicide.Their punishment is to be neither living nor dead,and to usher countless people in deaths.Although they have no memories and names but they still need food and home to live in.

Grim reaper stated he was searching for answers, when one day it occurred to him:

“That the things we’d given up—our names, the lives we threw away—were the very things I began to want. That when we long for life desperately, our punishment may be over.”

South Korea is ranked among the highest number of suicides in the world.And there this drama talking about wanting back the lives once they threw away is when their punishments are over.I hope the viewers who are depressed and suicidal will cease to appreciate life after they watch this drama.

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“My sister,my friend,and my bride have all left.And as always,I am alone.”

 

Longingness,loneliness and punishment.

The days where Goblin longs for Euntak…

The days where Grim reaper longs for Sunny…

The days where Euntak longs for Goblin …the sudden pain she felt in her heart where she didn’t know why she felt that way,what memories she had lost,who and what.

The days where Sunny longs for grim reaper…we all thought she had forgotten all her memories when grim reaper kissed her and wished her happy ending.

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In all honesty,I sobbed when Sunny drafted her letter and sent it to radio station.That was when everyone realised that Sunny had indeed still have her memory intact.God wanted to grant her oblivion but she was too proud,saying  that in her place even God had to pour himself his water.Aigoo gurl.

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” We won’t see each other again in this lifetime”

She loved him with all her heart,but she couldn’t bring herself to forgive him in this lifetime.Hence she left him because it was the greatest punishment she could give to him.It is the punishment of loneliness and longingness.Sunny’s parting from Grim reaper made him a sobbing mess.He bawled his eyes out in the room,and even Goblin’s cute veggies didn’t make him any better.

In this world,love and pain are strongly connected.You cannot love without feeling the pain.Sometimes instead of being with the person you treasure the most,you have to choose the painful path ; walking away.

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Finally they met again the next lifetime where the waiting is short and the meeting is long

The punishment for Goblin is that he had to live forever.At first he had to live and wait for his bride to be born to pull out the sword from his chest but later,in his longiness for Eun Tak he begged the almighty to let him live forever so that he can meet with Euntak and live happily with her with her remaining 3 lives.

People,the hardest punishment,I believe is the one given to Goblin.For 900 years he had to live in loneliness and watched his servants/acquaintances died.After 900 years he met his bride and it is either him or his bride die,he chose to die but he also refused to die.He got stuck in the tundra for 9 years,longing for Euntak.Because everything is white and Goblin had walked for miles,sometimes he walked backwards just to see his own footprints.

Imagine,being the one who lives and watching people you love come and go.

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meeting again in Euntak’s second life

This is the drama you want to watch if you want to sob,laugh,smile and ponder on the beauty of love and life particularly.Everything is very detailed carefully planned.I cannot spot any flaws.

And,Goblin and Grim reaper in this drama are extremely good-looking ; you won’t get that in other place!

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Till then,

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Writing & Me

I always love writing, I began writing as soon as I learnt how to read and write.

At first it was all foolish stories I made up based on my imagination. Later during standard 6 I wrote a story inspired by Princess Hours but slightly twisted with a bit of Indonesian sinetron’s bits and those ancient Chinese dramas I watched.

On the front page ,I typed : RM1 per person but sadly nobody pays and I sorted of giving up asking for money from friends.

Later, the book got confiscated and by the end of the year my teacher came to me and said,  “don’t write love stories again in secondary school”.

Now,I really want to write a piece (or more,hopefully) that will bring the readers onto the rollercoaster of emotions.I want my readers to love,hate,despise,cry and laugh reading my story.

I went to Perhentian with a hope that after coming back from the trip I would be able to write. You know, because they always says the beautiful nature will inspire the artists. Well, at least that is what I thought.

Unfortunately in Perhentian, we didn’t stay by the beach. So my plan of writing at night listening to the wave was abolished. Not to mention it was so short! I think next time I go to an island I will make it 7 days. 3 days feel like nothing!

After Perhentian trip, I was broken. My friends know about this. So I planned to write about my heartbroken story but it didn’t feel right. So I didn’t.

It made me wonder, how far will I be able to make it? When will I ever publish my first book?

Finding a publisher is not a problem, we have tonnes! But the problem is, when will I ever started? What is my Muse?

I used to answer this when people asked me why I always act on impulse.

If not now, then when?

So Khadijah, when?
Nonetheless I have the faith that I will be able to make it in sha Allah.

Sorry I terinspired so I tiru you hehe
In sha Allah