Aku Ada Tapi Tidak Ada 

Rasa macam kali pertama menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu. Tapi rasa awkward pula. Lagipula sedari dulu menulis blog untuk pemantapan bahasa Inggeris kkkkkk. Baiklah. 

A few months ago I was whats apping with Bibi telling her all my worries and anxieties of becoming an adult. What happened next will forever etched in my brain and memory. 

You have problem of not living in the moment 

Damn son. 

So true. 

I always find myself living either in the past or the future. I always want to be free, not tied to anything and anyone. I crave the sense of freedom. A while ago I craved the sense of belonging, it was strong. But now… I only long to be free. I want to fly. 

Whenever I am in situation that is not so favourable, I always imagine my best moments. When I am with someone I love I will think to myself “this soon will end”.

It robs my happiness. 

It’s a habit that rob my happiness. My inability to live and savour the moment robs away my happiness. 

I will bagpack to Beijing, China in 3 days in sha Allah. I plan of writing poems there; and I want to practise living in the moment there. Away from my own people  ; perhaps it is a good start of trying to live in the moment in sha Allah. 

Also, I am also praying hard to secure PIDN JPA this time. In sha Allah ameen. 💋


Does My Online Presence Matter? 

If you look into my search keywords lately, I always read articles on how to quit social media, how to delete internet presence and related articles how being addicted to social medias is actually destructive. I started using social media and blog when I was 11. Roughly 10 years ago when internet line was still slow 🌚.

 My addiction towards internet became worse when I got into secondary school. When I had instagram account in 2013 , I think I uploaded so many photos. Pictures of my socks, my ceiling, my mirror and my nails. Looking back, I am pretty sure the teenage me was a tad bit over in sharing 😂.

Now I have twitter and facebook that I use mainly for fangirling. My tweets are usually kpop (ok, tbh, BTS)  related. My facebook is used for me when I need to sign up for websites that need you to register before you could read the interesting benefits.I only have 3 followers in that Facebook account; my brothers and their friend. I have many instagram accounts tho but the ones I am frequently use are @knaixx and *she-cannot-be-revealed* . They are public and private accounts mainly I use them to stalk my favourite artists and close friends. I don’t follow everyone anymore. I come to a conclusion that you don’t need to follow everyone that you know in real life in social media too. 

In term of blogs, I have 2 blogs. This wordpress and blogspot. I have tumblr and that one is used for fangirling purpose as well 😂 . AFF and Wattpad also being used as consumer. I have my writings that I posted but I seldom update because… #lazyass 

Anyway I sometimes wonder how does my online presence will affect me later in life? I sure have stupid selfies I uploaded in photo bucket when I was 12 ,with my real name. And too bad I forgot my email I used at that moment and that stupid selfies will stay in the internet forever. 😐 

Right now I am using my public instagram to post photos of food (not a foodie, really,but I ocassionally take photos of food) , photos of places I go ( again, not a travel addict because money wo liao but I tried to go to places whenever I could!) , photos with friends (I have many friends alhamdulillah but I don’t upload every photo of us together, I only upload photos of us travelling together… Hehe

When it comes to the question why should I share this? It will lead to me discovering that I just genuinely love sharing tiny bits of my life to friends. I like it when they drop comment telling me they used to visit the same place or share with me where to find good food. I love the response and likes. 

 Awhile ago I used to update my sad poignant heartbroken writings to my public personal instagram, the responses are great but it makes me feel uncomfortable when people know that it was me who wrote those. All of us know that writers will write subjects that are close to them. Many suspected I was going through a break up and started to comment asking me what happened and to hit em if I need to do so . I was indeed uncomfortable with sharing what happened to my relationships CLEARLY. I keep them VAGUE so you need to guess. I am a person who are befriends and close to many people but only share the deepest secrets to a few. ( I know many people do this but anyway I want to state here)  

Some use social media as diary, as a journal, as an outlet to let go their feelings and frustrations. I am fine with that because if it bothers me I will just mute your insta story or twitter (we are blessed with choices).I found myself ranting in my public IG story a few times and again, it doesn’t feel right. Considering those who view (maybe don’t even bother to read because it’s freaking long)  aren’t close to me. It’s not good, really. 

I finally practise self-control and don’t share everything and try to live in the moment

Get back to private journaling. Publish under pen name. Live quietly. Don’t expose everything online. 

I am again, puzzled with people who share many stuffs online. Especially life blogger/vlogger. I am not a private person but when it comes to personal life I want to keep it discreet. As small as I could. I am loud as you can see. But I don’t know when it comes to online presence I become a bit cautious because you never knew who view you and read the informations. 

My online presence matters because this is how I keep in touch with friends (love you guys!). I admit I have the FOMO syndrome and mostly it just related to kpop (again, yes I know I need to mention this 1000 times). My public IG will serve the three purposes. My private IG will always be my rants to friends (only close one are approved haha). My twitter will always be a safe haven and escapism for me (unfollow or mute if that bothers you) . My blog will always be the place I post my achievements and milestones . My tumblr , aff, wattpad will always serve as fangirling weapons (again don’t kill me)  .

When it comes to fangirling I would suggest everyone to have separate account, it is so embrassing to go on YouTube and  see your regular account commenting OPPA SO HAWT.  Yes please learn from my humble mistakes. 🌚🙊 

Also don’t go overboard with sharing. There’s nothing such as delete forever in the internet. Your date is stored somewhere… So… Be careful! 

What I Often Think

My future

My weight

My grades

My parents

My family members

My financial situation

My mistakes,things I wish I could do differently


What I rarely think of,but sometimes hits me

My sins

My deeds

Will I get to heaven if I die at this instance


This year’s Ramadan I get to celebrate at home.Alhamdulillah.I wish we will find some peace during 2017 Ramadan.Don’t let go this special month of prayers and charity.There’s no other month like Ramadan.Pray hard,read Al-Quran (I should start doing this tooo) and you know,just spend more time than you actually do with Him.

Dunya takes too much space in my heart.I want my faith to stay here,deep inside,unwavered.In sha Allah ameen.

What Happens After You Are Hurt 

Nobody wants to experience the aftermath of a failed relationship with someone one really love. However, the world doesn’t really hear our plea at times and decided to throw shit so that we know we ain’t walking on a bed of roses. 

What happens after you are hurt? 

Right after the relationship ends, you won’t be sad immediately. You will feel anger surging inside. You will feel hatred all over your heart. You hate the person for not valuing you. You will hate that person for not loving you the way you love him/her. You will hate that person for not fighting over you and you… Will ultimately hating her/him for walking away and never turning back. 

Next, you will feel incredibly sad. Sadness will haunt you at night. Self-pity, self -loathe. You will start degrading yourself. What is wrong with you that she/he left. Why? Am I not good enough? Why wouldn’t you contact me anymore? What’s with all our memories together? Gone with the wind? 

Afterwards, you will feel resentment. After those nights crying yourself to sleep, you are done. You are done will this shit. Damn her. Damn him. You don’t even deserve me. Don’t ever come back. 

Next is bitterness. The worst phase where you just no longer be able to give yourself fully. You see a happy couple, or you could think of is; they are gonna break up. When there is a new person approaching you; the past will start playing back in front of you; like slide show with sad background music. It will all gonna be the same. They will leave me, at the end. 

You might as well seek for counseling if this happens to you. We all deserve second chance of happiness. Don’t let the past dictate your happiness. Don’t let one bad apple to ruin you whole life. You have many more years to explore your life. Don’t bring along this chapter of your life. Burry it somewhere far, somewhere distant. Get professional help to do so. Face it. Don’t sweep it off under the carpet. Deal with it. Read this chapter out loud and then close it and never ever read it. 

Memories With Sekretariat Akademik Kolej 12,UPM Sesi 16/17

Pheww.I better post now,or I am never writing about this,ever again.Me and my lazy bum.Well not lazy,just demotivated 😛

As we all know,I get stucked with academic stuffs ever since school because I dislike the sunshine much and I rather type long-ass report rather than marching under the hot scorching Kedah sun.Kedah is hawt,like,literally hawt.I am thankful I am now studying in Selangor for that matter,hihu.

So I was the secretary and I kept writing letters with errors on them!Ugh.So annoying.

Before jumping to the serious points,I’d like to say that degree life is so different compared to asasi life.Really.I cannot do thing I love that often.Sometimes because of the time restriction,the strength to do it,the geography ,and lack of friends….well the last one sound made-up hehe.I am just trying to gain sympathy from asasi friends who are still studying with other asasi friends (lucky ugh).

  1. I no longer do make up,that much.I am so lazy.And I have 8AM classes,I sleep at 4AM and wake up at 7AM and daa….sempatkah??? Apart from that,I don’t have Marsya to put make up on me..sobs  T_T

2. I don’t do anything crazy..anymore.I am so well-behaved and I don’t like it.In previous uni,I did :

panjat pagar mawar tengah malam
panjat menara engineering at 3am 

3. Modelling HAHAHAHA Because the walls aren’t that pretty.But I did some photoshoots (HAHAHAHA) at Rumah Tradisional,wearing traditional clothes.

prolly the kayu-est model wannabe you have ever met in your entire existence XD

And so many other fun things I’d rather keep to myself.Anyway my first year as a degree student life is a serious one.Reminding me of my alma mater years.Ah well,the lecturers in asasi pampered us too much.

Let’s get started !

*Get started to what*


After the Minggu Destini Siswa ended,my MTMs told us that we needed to join 3 sekretariats.I chose academics,entrepreneur and sports ; the same as my then bff,Atirah.Later we went to academics meeting and I was voted to be the secretary and she,as the treasurer.We were to handle a program that was new to UPM.Spill Ink Not Blood.It was previously done by the UiTM Lendu students and we would like to introduce the same program,with the same name to UPM as well.Kewl,isn’t it?

Honestly,I believe that people voted me to be the secretary because I wear glasses and look like a nerd….Yeah whatevs.

Our first program was Penblade where we had to teach elementary kids English.It was a collaboration with Englishjer and Projek Ihsan.It was held at Surau Hamideen,Seksyen 19,Shah Alam. (I LOVE SHAH ALAM)


The next program is  Aphabeats ,but it was handled amongst the third year and second year.As Dayah put it “Izat and his gang” XD

The third program and the only program handled by us,the first years ; Spill Ink Not Blood!!


It was super tiring,I tell you,handling program.We have to do many stuffs.From paperworks to dealing with the kerenah birokrasi,having your proposal/letters rejected and having to redo it and with some of the committee members acting up ; not giving much commitment. Eg ; going to IOI when we  freaking need to do rehearsel.Ended up we didn’t do the rehearsal,and they were not many commitee members showing faces when we were busily preparing for the program in the evening..The decorations hadn’t finished and honestly I was so devastated when not many showed up.Those who didn’t show up because they had classes,I don’t mind.But those who didn’t have classes yet didn’t show up…well…I just hope everyone learn their lessons.The reason why I am typing this,is because I want my readers to know this possibly happens when you handle program and to stay strong it it happens hehe #beringatsebelumkena

Alhamdulillah the program went well and the responses were overwhelming.When I heard those sweet responses,I felt immensely proud of my team!We did it!!!!


But it was fun 🙂 I am not typing this to make me look like a positive vibrant person who always look at life from angel’s point of view.But I realised and learnt many things whilst preparing for the program.I learnt soft skills,of which,I heard is something that employers looking for in their employees these days. Dear future employer,if you happened to read my public blog ,please know that I love doing works and working with humans (computers and printer as well).

I learnt how to negotiate and convince people.I learnt not to mix my personal issues with my professional work.I learn to stay calm ; even when I knew I messed things up.I learn to accept that I am flawed,and need to redo my works and hand it on time.I learnt to talk with people,professionally,over the phone.I learnt to talk to people with powers. (you know,superiors?) I learn that miscommunication always happens,and when it happens ;you shouldn’t be too hard on it.Shit happens.Handle with it with style.

thanks Dayah for the write up…hehe


The last program we had is English Drama.I was in the techincal team.It was..tiring as well.Eventhough I didn’t do much ; I was still tired.HAHA.



Halia is the director,I tagged along because “we wear the same shirt”

To wrap things up : we went for dinner at Pizza Hut,IOI.Fully sponsored by our beloved MTMs ; Dayah and Izat. Well Bro Izat.He hates when I call him ‘bro’ because it makes him feel old #oldfart but I will keep calling him that just to tease him…


Finally,I would like to thank everyone who helps me and of course to my team. MTMs ; Hidayah and Izat.My members ; Wani Rajin,Halia,Atirah,Ammar and Adibah.Couldn’t make it without you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Forgive me for my shortcomings,please! *juseyo*

Selamat ber- Leaders to future MTMs.

Dijah is signing off.





Don’t Lose The Child In You

I just found out that a friend has been talking behind my back and that shit hurts because to me talking behind a person’s back is the last thing I want to do. And of course since I thought she was a friend, she could be honest with me and tell me what I should fix about myself. Just throw words to my face, zero fuck will be given. 

So one of her complaints is that I am childish. 

Do you know one of the secret of enjoying your life? By not losing the child in you! The child in me is what keeping me alive and kicking. The child in me is what making me smile in euphoria and get me so excited. Oh well, some people love being adult that they cannot appreciate people who choose to keep the child in them! 

So I am listing down why the hell you need to keep the child in you alive. 


Adult has too many worries, I am still not an adult, but this phase of becoming an adult pressure me a lot that I always take sometimes to be carefree. For example I dance care freely in my room or go to the theme park wuhuu. 


Yes, kids are super honest. Adults should be like that as well. Germans are honest, why me as Malaysian cannot be honest and blunt as well? #culturaldifference 

One thing that I love the most about kids is that they hide nothing, and sometimes they make it obvious that they are hiding something. Always ask for  someone honest for answers, like me. Oh only if you don’t mind asking from a childish person. #burn


It is so easy to satisfy a child. For example ,I have my brother, Imran of whom once said ‘what a wonderful life to stay inside an air-conditioning room while drinking fresh milk’. 

I am surprised how it is difficult for me to feel content and happy these days. We should really not lose the children in us who aren’t difficult to be pleased (:

Of course, you don’t need an particular reason to be happy. Living itself should make you happy. 


That one thing we are losing.. The curiosity of a child. Wondering about how this thing works and that thing works. Exploring the possibilities of the world. Never trade your curiosity for anything in this world. Keep it. 

Above all keep the child in you, regardless of what people say, don’t lose it. Don’t lose the child in you and be happy! 

Is it sucks to be poor? 

I am just asking, I don’t know which category I will fall into later but hopefully I will be good enough to have all basic needs in order to survive in sha Allah. 

This issue comes to my mind as I look at KL dUck, pink coloured with swarovski on it. Freaking classy guys. And the price too, very impressive. I want to be personal shopper one day ameen haha. 

The price is rm800 of which is almost an income for some very low-income families. Wow, I can’t help but thinking how wealth is being divided today. Some people can’t even afford to eat while some have so much money that can last for centuries! 

Then it comes to me… Oh my God… I will graduate in 3years, will I be ever managed to secure job? 

Oh ya Allah please make it easier for me to seek for rezeki ameen.