Why I Quit Writing

keeping-journal

I am listening to Rap Mon’s mixtape while writing this. Gawd, he sounds so sexy.

I have always love reading and writing . I was not a good writer , still am. I am still not a good writer . I used to write many fanfictions years ago , most involving EXO pairings. But then , due to my spiritual awakening I started to abandon writing. Earlier this year I tried to write creatives but failed. I couldn’t perform up par to my liking.

Years before my spiritual awakening , I wrote a lot. In English, eventhough my English sucks at that moment but nothing can stop me , well I guessed , at that moment. But you know, my hostel’s rules sucks. They rummaged into hostelites’ belongings , read every single shit of my writings and confiscated em. But of course , I never wrote fanfics in hostel ; that would be suicidal.

I quit writing because , I wasn’t confident in it. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid if people would come and bash me. Saying my writings aren’t good , too abstract or too direct to the point. I was afraid of failures that I gave up my passions.

Now everyone can write. When I was younger , I wanted to be the best . That was the insecure me. I wasn’t well-adjusted that I could still be the best , among the best. Or I could be just average , and that is just okay. Just do it for fun. Not for the sake of popularity or status or fame. It is irony , because today I have none.

No one reads my fanfictions (probably because I abandoned em u.u; ) . My poetry also not good.

But , because now I am practising self-acceptance , self-compassion and trying not to be too critical of myself ; I shrug it off.

Damn , do I answer the question why I quit writing?

Besides insecurity and feeling like it will not pay off ; I realise I quit because I didn’t get the supports from friends or family. Hell no. There’s no way my family would read my fanfictions. Even the thoughts of it is cringing maynnn. I felt unappreciated , and in all honesty it was why I stopped doing whatever things I was doing. I quit karate because my family never went to my tournaments. I was too accustomed of not seeing my family or parents during award that when I received my award for SPM I forgot to take photos with them. That’s inevitable since my parents are both working and they have many kids to look after. Coming for my awards would be a waste of time sobs. I always wonder how does it feel to receive undivided love……maybe I will hate it because I hate clinginess.

With that being said , I am working (kind of hard, but honestly I just spend my days watching BTS videos) on my writing. Writing is my therapy whether I get rewards or money from it or not.

 

 

Stop Waiting For The Perfect Moment

 

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It is quite unbelievable,for someone who is impatient like me to actually wait for the perfect moment to arrive and then seize it.But yeah,I do it.I am doing it.I never realize I do until yesterday when I sat down and reflect on myself.

I have basically waiting for the perfect moment to arrive,I don’t have specific translation of what is perfect moment but I know how it feels like.It is like when you cannot run away from it and it just happened.But,my definition is not so strong because now it sounds like incident.

I haven’t written any long piece or fanfiction ever since 2013.I have waited for the perfect moment to write.Maybe a heartbreak,a betrayal and something big.They happened,unfortunately,but I was so emotional I couldn’t write it down.

Then also,I went to Perhentian in a hope I might have inspiration to write.Yes I have,I got few imaginations there.But it was ruined by a jealous girfriend.This is my weakness,now to think about it why don’t I make that jealous girlfriend as a villain in my  book.Yes.

I got here to UPM,and told Pales I will start writing seriously here.I lied again,but not so.I mean,UPM is vast,I can write about events that I am in.Or my course or my rommates or my room or my friends or what I do in daily basis.

Then it hit me,do people still read those stuffs?

Or now people prefer instagram and youtube over blog and website.Because  I am an oldschool,I read blogs and websites everyday.

Sometimes I wait,I wait till I have enough stuffs to start.I imagine writing in garden,with tea and biscuit or realistically,banana fritters.With the wind blowing by and rush of ideas coming in.

I wait till I have the perfect picture of something.I want to go to Palawan so badly.So badly so I could write something.But what scares me if I get back to Malaysia with no outcome.At least after going to  Perhentian,I gain friendship and overcome my fear of water.Forgive this paragraph,seriously,travels will enrich your experience.

Conclusion – don’t wait for the perfect moment.

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Walking Away/Chasing After

There’s a debate. Whether to just let go people who walk away or chase them.

There are many reasons why people walk away

1) They are feeling that they are being taken for granted.It is always ’em who initiate everything. Whether a text or a trip.

2) Betrayals,this I don’t have to elaborate. Everyone knows.

3) You are toxic and they couldn’t stand you anymore.You are full of yourself and don’t listen to others. Selfish cow.

4) They are hurted
In all honesty, people who walk away sometimes feel like running back. There are still some love left deep inside but the pain is stronger. They remind themselves of their worths. They worth more than a person who makes em an option when they make that person a priority.

As I always say, it has to be two-sides of everything in a relationship. Relationship itself is based on give & take concept. You fail this…urm sorry your partner/friend might walk away.

Of course, there’s always two sides of coin,too. One side says this and the other side says otherwise. What is the best is for you to really think of the worthiness of the relationship.

Yet I know people who walk away from the person they really really really love simply because they couldn’t stand the pain anymore.

Walking away doesn’t mean you are selfish and not chasing back also doesn’t mean you are selfish. Maybe, a bit egoistic.

It is a free world out there,but remember;  always be kind.

I want to be the very best like no one ever was. 

I don’t play games. I am an old lady who doesn’t play any games.But I know games, because my brothers and my cousins all are gamers. Zzzzz boring

In all honesty, I think games are useless. It takes a lot of our time when we can do other beneficial things. Having said that, I must agree that games are addicting.

Hey I have fair my share of snake game on nokia 3310!

So… Pokemon anyone?

My kindergarten bag,her age is 14 yrs old.Nowadays I use it to store my beauty product.;)

Being Realistic With Financial Goals

I used to be very much deluded. It was when I was 16,I had this spirit to be a millionaire and even changed my fb user name to Tan Sri.I told my friend, Kim, that by 21 I will have rm1 million in my bank account.

When I was 18 I told my friend, Aida,that I would like to have two-storey bungalow as my first home.

I just didn’t get it. That today, wealth has been unevenly distributed. 1% of human population control 90% of wealth.

Thus, us, the commoners have to share the remaining 10%.In certain areas, they might don’t get even 1%.

I used to think that those stuffs I read are just stupid crap journalists wrote. Sigh. I might be just too blind.

We also, have become somewhat materialistic society. We measure people’s success by the amount of wealth they have accumulated.

To start with, my family is not rich. Even our extended family. Most of us are government officers, teachers and small businessmen.We own a few rubber and paddy plantations but you get it. We are nowhere rich, but we are not poor either alhamdulillah.

Now at 19,with small amount of money in my bank, I began to be realistic. I began to understand how hard it is to earn money and living. I began to understand why people kill for money.

With money, comes the power.

But of course it comes with sacrifices.

I want to be filthy rich was what 17-year-old me chanted everyday. I wanted to have my own lingerie line since I didn’t know any Malay who does that. (But my lecturer told me her cousin has her own lingerie line with gross income rm25k monthly)

You know why you become miserable as fuck (twitter people who have absurd liking of adding as fuck to every sentence,killing the creativity I must say)

It is because we have been deluded by the media we consumed. Those Kardashians with their own lines. Seriously? Don’t you know it is all just branding and capitalists’ gimmick? Yeah, you probably know but guiltily have to comform and buy because Kylie uses its!!! 

If she’s pretty, use anything still pretty. You ugly, use the same thing, might become a lil bit prettier. Okay fine, I know I am wrong on this part. I have seen those makeup videos where they transform an ugly girl into a beautiful and attractive girl.

You are fooled by those ads on media.

Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need.

Chuck Palahniuk

Skinny is beautiful. Fat? No problem! Try this slimming tea! Get liposuction and cosmetic surgery! Consume diet pills!

Fair is beautiful. Dark? No problem! Have this whitening sheets! Consume this collagen (even your own body has collagen but nvm have more so you can be white like those modelsssssss)

Well, you get it.Why I think this has nothing to do with the title?

I just don’t want to comform.I want to be realistic. Money is not everything. Well, I mean, I will work hard to earn money.

After graduating, I maybe not able to buy my own house. My first house might be a studio apartment, or a small apartment. My first car might be a second hand. I might  shop at bundle or thrift shop. I might eat at the roadside stalls.

I am finally being realistic.I know that you shouldn’t measure someone’s success from his amount of wealth but rather how much he has contributed.

But I would like to be rich, please.