Hi you guys!!!!!
I am writing this on Words 2016 while sipping on my Nescafe mild coffee that I made an hour ago. The WiFi is driving me crazy and is ruining my movie night. Saturday is supposed to be my French movie night so that I can improve my French oral and listening. But no, Putra Hotspot decided to screw my plan and makes me feel mad.
Well, I could go to café and watch there but I hate to leave the comfort of my room. I don’t want to be in crowded place with chatters and dim lamps and slow fans. I also don’t want to watch my movie fully clothed with hijab on. This is also another reason why I don’t study at the library, I hate having my head covered…
Anyway, enough of the whining! The goal of today’s post is to share with you guys what I feel for my third year.
I had dreamed of university life ever since I was young. My mom studied in the US, my father studied in Malaysia, my uncle did his degree and masters in the states as well, my aunts studied in Egypt. I had always wanted to study overseas as well. But I realised, I am not that smart enough to secure a scholarship to study overseas. Well, it is not necessary for people studying overseas to be freaking brilliant (except for enrolling into the top ones, of course) you just need money. Which is why some resort of being escorts or sugarbabies… wuhuhuhu. Hanya iman mampu mengawal moral kita di dunia akhir zaman ini >.<
So I did pretty well in school, I was an above average students. Always top 5 in primary schools and well that changed in secondary school. Nevertheless I got 5A in UPSR, 9A in PMR and 10A 1C in SPM. I flunked my JPA-MARA interview because I thought I couldn’t pass with a C in my transcript so I didn’t do my best and let that purple tudung outshone everyone in group presentation! Afterwards I got into foundation of law in UiTM. Did well as well, had freaking blast there, finished with CGPA 3.75 and then got into French course in UPM, my first choice in UPU.
I had mentioned so many times how I felt with my choice, how I hated myself for choosing this major, how I thought it wouldn’t bring me advantages later on in professional works, how I felt downgraded when people said “eh belajar bahasa je mesti tak pandai sangat” when I really did well at school and academics generally. I wrote how this course disappointed me and how I felt about my surrounding, also how I wished I chose UM or learn French through immersion.
Well, I came to realise that some of my perceptions are wrong and how I am glad that I didn’t quit and apply back to law school. Because as much as I love the technicalities, it is not my passion. Hell, I don’t even know what is my passion right now. *cries*
Firstly, I learnt to manage my own perspective. I learn to lower my expectations of myself and towards others. It was hard, because I was taught growing up to be hard on myself. I was taught to hold accountability towards my own mistakes and wrongdoings. It was to the extend of me blaming myself. I didn’t realise that this is wrong, since I grow up with it. I am so used of self-hatred that it was a part of myself. My counselor is the one whom noticed this and he walked me out of this. BTS helps a lot too. I remembered a year ago, it was so overwhelming and I went to youtube and watched Namjoon’s speech about finding happiness and I listened to Suga’s mixtape a lot.
Secondly, I learnt not to care what others think of me. I used to be so cautious of what others think of me. When I was younger I would message my friends to ask ‘em what is their opinions on myself what I should improve. Looking back, that damaged me a lot. There are a lot of critism that were thrown to me. I felt that it was necessary for me to reflect on my doings.
It was mature and right for me to do so. But what I did wrong there is that sometimes the judgement that others made to me are reflections of what they despise of themselves. I also didn’t know how to handle my emotions quite well back then. Nowadays, it is not like I 100% don’t give a damn of what others think and speak of me, just less f*ck is given.
I begin to understand myself more and reflect on my actions by myself. The circle of friends that I seek for advice also get smaller. Most of them are my schoolmates and asasi friends. I have one or two in my college. Maybe it is also affected by my severe breakups in the first year that UPM left bad impression in my heart.
This semester, I have a lot of free time of which I use to revise and fangirl. I am so happy and thankful that I finally could attend concerts with close friends. In the first and second year I was occupied with college activities. Like I mentioned before, I had a vision of what kind of university gal I should be that I signed up for so many events in those 4 semesters. Now that I am in my third year I believe I should try other things and build my own personal branding. I had my YouTube channel, but it seems not to be doing well. Hahahaha. I thought creating contents is easy but nope. Jokes on me. Anyway I really hope my YouTube channel would be doing well in coming years, in sha Allah.
I am excited to embark the last 2 years of my university life. I am thankful for the memories I have here, the good and the bad. They taught me the meaning of life and I am grateful for the presence of all of my good friends in my life.
I will update more this blog more! Alive and kicking!