To Be A Kinder Me

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2016,well,to begin with was an unkind year to me.Though I shed tears a lot last year,I learnt many things.Truthfully,hard times always expose who your true friends are and those who genuinely care for you.I cannot thank Allah more than this,alhamdulillah.

What happened to me last year kind of turning me into a heartless mean girl.I just realised a few days ago that I smiled less.No wonder I had so much little energy left. :’)

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These are two incidents that made me realised what kind of person I have turned to be.

First incident :

I was in my second session with my counselor when he asked me “Do you believe it,Khadijah, if I said that I will be richer if I give you rm1k.

Chuckling,I promptly replied “Of course not,why giving away money will make you richer?

He smiled and replied, “There you go,you have to give first in order to receive.That is the nature’s law.

Second incident ;

I was waiting to get into waiting gate since I arrived at the TBS tad bit too early T_T then I decided to scroll the instagram rather than reading a novel I bought at BBW because it was the most convenient way since my bagpack was very much packed.

Later,from the corner of my eyes I noticed an old man,wearing old clothes and on a wheelchair was approaching everyone asking for money.I frowned.Why is he here?Why is he allowed to beg here?

He approached.Ah,nightmare.I frowned,again.Pretended not to see him.He was still there,waiting for me to give a few ringgits.I sighed.

I then gave him RM2 and he went somewhere else.

Then..I reflected on myself.

Wow,I am a bitch now.I frown at people.I am afraid to give just a few ringgit.I don’t want to share my rezeki with others.How much is it a few ringgit anyway?Why I need to act up all bossy like that?Well,who I am anyway?I am no one.So why I feel and act like a brat?

I analysed myself.

Prejudice. There are so many scams now that I am afraid that I might give my money 9or my parents’ money obviously) to the syndicate.

I simply don’t want to.I remember distinctly last year,I cried while what’s apping my friend,we weren’t close honestly but like I said earlier,hard times reveal your true friends.I told her that I am tired of being kind and I don’t want to be kind anymore.Kind people get hurt a lot.I am tired of it.

She lectured me,she said even Rasulullah got hurt but he still be kind.Remember the blind jew he fed everyday,the jew spat curses regarding him without knowing the one feeding him was the prophet S.A.W himself.

“There,that is how you treat people.Never stoop low.yes,you are hurt,but that doesn’t give license for you to hurt others as well.You are using this as an excuse to get away with unkind attitude.This is not you.”

2017,I will be a kinder version of myself.To always smile and never hesitate to offer help without asking for things in return,in sha Allah.

2016,the year that I forgot how to be kind.

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Happiness Is A Choice 

Most of my happiness comes from Korean dramas these days

So, the first post written on new year!! Hahaha. So guess who spent the first 40minutes of new year wandering around the college wearing sleeping clothes in search of fireworks. ME!

Anyway, 2016 sucks bad. Coincidentally there are many of us who have it bad too. *high five*

I asked on my instagram post about what my friends have learnt throughout the year and one of them stated happiness is a choice. 

It is true, since we are the one who control our emotions and rationalities. We are the one who make the desicion. We are the master of our bodies and minds.

It would be stupid if you choose to be sad.

I went through a lot this year, I hinted here and there but never make clarification. Basically, it hurts a lot. And it affects many things of life especially my studies.

I once heard that when woman’s relationship in trouble, she cannot do work and when man’s work in trouble he cannot do relationship. 

I am so woman. LOL.

By the way I do not do many resolutions for 2017 except to keep going, become more grateful, learn more, read more ,smile more, communicate more ,rationalize more, travel more, save more and write a book!

Yeah you read it right.

In sha Allah I will start writing after the finals end!

May 2017 brings more fortune and happiness to us!  🎆🎇🎉🎉🎊🎊

16 Things I Have Learnt In 2016

Nope, I don’t have those I finally found myself clichés.And there are 16 things because 17 just doesn’t rhyme.

1. Forever doesn’t exist. 

Now you know you are fucked up when you said I love you forever. 

2. It is never a good thing to open up.

Because you will get attached and create this sort of expectation, and frankly, both sucks.

3. Communication is vital to avoid misunderstanding. 

And to enable you to get what you want. Win win.

4. It is okay to break down and to cry.

Tho it is not okay to cry yourself to sleep for 10 consecutive days. Get some help if this happens.

5. Too many things of everything is not good. 

6. Losing weight doesn’t mean you will not gain it back. In fact, you will! 

FML 🌚

7. What broke you can also heal you.

After you found some quiet time.

8. Reverse psychology sucks bad.

I believe anyone who does this has very terrible experiences growing up and negative influence.Takdak teloq ka nak tegoq depan-depan.

9. Always find time to do your hobbies.

Because once you stopped,you will feel it is harder to keep fighting and living.I know I paint it quite harsh but this is what happened to me. #truestory

10. You are the one who gives the definition to your life.

This is what my caunselor said.I know I owe my friends a post about what my caunselor shared with me but since it was personal and I haven’t healed yet,I will keep it drafted in my pc.

11. Just because everyone does it, doesn’t mean you need to. 

Boyfriend thingy. Relationship craps. Need to wear tonnes of makeup to appear more attractive. Need to go out often so you will be viewed as social. Tak pandai bergaya means kampung kolot.

12. You need to invest in timeless pieces.

Nice lipstick, good quality Jeans, good quality handbags, good quality sneakers,good quality watches.

You don’t need many stuffs or clothings, you just need one of everything but of good quality and off you go my girl 👅

13. Friends make your life a whole lot better. 

Thanks guys!!!!!!

14. Loving can hurt 💔

Yeah and I even need to visit counselor for this shitz.

15. Whatever you have in your mind,never buy it unless it is on sales.

I did this motha but I did it quite wrong.I bought the wrong size and now it is worn by my sister!!! *cries*

16. Just keep going 

I am saving the last for the best.I must say that 2016 gave me glimpse of adulthood and honestly adulthood sucks and lonely.You are all by yourself and if you cannot be by yourself now,I advise you to start doing so.

There are many times I want to give up everything but my friends told me to keep going and everytime I broke down faces of my parents played in my mind.(I know this happens to many of us)

I am okay with putting myself down.I had done it a few times but whenever I think of my parents’ sacrifices for me,for my siblings and our family ;I will tell myself to keep going.

Thinking how much money they have spent for my education and self-development.Thinking how they put aside their wants and prioritise my wants and sibs’ wants.So selfless.

And it would be so selfish of me if I were to give up for small reasons.Heh.

Last but not least,here is a saying I quoted from Kei.If you know her,she has been with me since 2008 :’)

When everyone runs ,

And no one decides to stay,

Then you will have to survive on your

own,

And that’s the greatest life lesson.

Adios amigo *nyanyi lagu shinee*

Shah Alam Emergency Trip

What would you do when you friend who always texts you complaining about her life suddenly tweeted something like this;

Then she also texted you and said I AM QUITTING I AM SO DONE HOW TO APPLY BACK FOR UITM 😭

And you know her.You know her so much.She is capable of doing random and sudden things.For example ; sending collage withrawal letter to BHEP. (she had one drafted in her lappie already)

That was me.What my friends did was asking me to go to Shah Alam on that day jugak.Because they are so busy the other day and because I was going home on Friday.

That morning,Khamis,I woke up crying.Not suprising.Crying is one of my routine these days.Some nights I cried myself to sleep and some nights I just stared blankly into the ceiling until I fell asleep.

I was so depressed.

I was not being myself to be honest.I did not hang out with my friends anymore.I walk alone.I eat alone.The thing about me that I hate the most is that I push people away when I am depressed.I don’t want others to know my state.Unless.Unless it is freaking bad and I will die if I do not tell anyone about it.

The matter of dropping out,changing courses are not aliens in my family.My mom did that,my sister did that and no one will be equally suprised if I did that too!!

French in UPM was my first choice in UPU.I did well during law foundation,my UPU cgpa was 3.75 if you are wondering.What broke my heart when I got here was it wasn’t the same to others.This course was either their 4th or 6th or even 12th!

That made me think that I am taking lelong degree course. 

I actually have gotten my life planned out.I act according to my plan.I am aspired to have my own lingerie line and have bussiness.Besides lingerie,I too want to venture in food technology as well as owning cows and horses farmings.

Those are the reasons why I chose UPM and French at the first place.Because my dad told me if you want to do bussiness you MUST NOT get a bussiness degree.Getting that degree means you will be employee not employers.Since I am language enthusiast and love literature I made up my mind to study French.

But damn.

When you are not surrounded by enthusiastic people ;you will feel deterred.This was not what I imagine my life would be.And don’t get me started with my room…

I started the overthinking stuff.I felt so small with this degree.I started regretting not pursuing accountancy (was in account class during spm) and law (took law foundation).I will graduate with arts degree!!!Arts!!!And it is not professional!!!What job I will do next??oh my god,what have I done??Will I ever make it in life???How to afford my kind of lifestyle??I need to earn a lot.I need to be above average.I need a professional degree and that is what makes me crazy.These useless thinking,I was influenced with close-minded people who see only doctors,engineers and lawyers are successful.

Knowing that I am fcked up and I am going to screw myself my friends saved me.

HELLO SHAH ALAM!!!!!

Got to Shah Alam by KTM at 9.15pm and straight away uber-ed to Murni for dinner with Aida,Zai and Tiqah.We did that screaming-and-hugging PDA in the middle of Murni’s eatery kat luar yang ada banyak-banyak meja tu.

Never felt better guys.I was so happy the moment I heard “Padang Jawa”.Never felt better man…Padang Jawa never felt better.

Guess what I ate?The same menu everytime :”)

Zai had trouble ordering this drink bahahaha

Tiqah said something nasty about the colour bahahaha

I miss Murni already…

Huawei p9 ftwwww

wow someone forgot to turn off her beauty ad

Looking preet everyoneee

Not only jee gave me long ass lecture,she also taught me how to draw my eyebrows 😈

After hours and hours talking to my ex classmates…gawd…it really opened up my eyes.I am not the only one who struggles,everyone struggled in different ways.Most importantly Jee asked me ; you wanna change because of what?

If it is because of job scope ; you know well what work you love.Getting a law degree doesn’t mean that you can easily score.If you want to get back into law school because you think the degree quality is better ;better tak payah.Because no doubt,law school is hard.If you don’t have passion – you might flunk this.

In the meantime,I am still thinking and planning.To all who is concern with my state ; alfun syukran lakum,merci beaucoup.May Allah bless you.

 

I have never been in this shitty pit hole ever.It sucks man.If not,I wouldn’t listen back to heavy metal songs.If not,I would not sob into my pillow at night.If not,I would never ever broke down in front of my roommates.

What happened to me made me realise how important it is to have strong support system.Always try to be there for friends ; I never knew how relieved I am after meeting back with my asasi friends.

They made me view this world through other lense.

This is an appreciation post to those who are there for me.

Thanks a lot for being there when I cried to you because of the shitty life,Ecah.

Thanks for comforting me when I had problems with friend and assignments,Pijah.

Thanks a lot because you are always a great listener and always manage to comfort me,Aida.

Thanks weh for lecturing me and make me rational again,Jee.

Thanks for always being there when I need you,Pales

And to everyone else who loves me and wants the best for me.

I will never forget you.

And…am I quitting?

I don’t know yet.You might or might not see me again.