Does My Online Presence Matter? 

If you look into my search keywords lately, I always read articles on how to quit social media, how to delete internet presence and related articles how being addicted to social medias is actually destructive. I started using social media and blog when I was 11. Roughly 10 years ago when internet line was still slow 🌚.

 My addiction towards internet became worse when I got into secondary school. When I had instagram account in 2013 , I think I uploaded so many photos. Pictures of my socks, my ceiling, my mirror and my nails. Looking back, I am pretty sure the teenage me was a tad bit over in sharing 😂.

Now I have twitter and facebook that I use mainly for fangirling. My tweets are usually kpop (ok, tbh, BTS)  related. My facebook is used for me when I need to sign up for websites that need you to register before you could read the interesting benefits.I only have 3 followers in that Facebook account; my brothers and their friend. I have many instagram accounts tho but the ones I am frequently use are @knaixx and *she-cannot-be-revealed* . They are public and private accounts mainly I use them to stalk my favourite artists and close friends. I don’t follow everyone anymore. I come to a conclusion that you don’t need to follow everyone that you know in real life in social media too. 

In term of blogs, I have 2 blogs. This wordpress and blogspot. I have tumblr and that one is used for fangirling purpose as well 😂 . AFF and Wattpad also being used as consumer. I have my writings that I posted but I seldom update because… #lazyass 

Anyway I sometimes wonder how does my online presence will affect me later in life? I sure have stupid selfies I uploaded in photo bucket when I was 12 ,with my real name. And too bad I forgot my email I used at that moment and that stupid selfies will stay in the internet forever. 😐 

Right now I am using my public instagram to post photos of food (not a foodie, really,but I ocassionally take photos of food) , photos of places I go ( again, not a travel addict because money wo liao but I tried to go to places whenever I could!) , photos with friends (I have many friends alhamdulillah but I don’t upload every photo of us together, I only upload photos of us travelling together… Hehe

When it comes to the question why should I share this? It will lead to me discovering that I just genuinely love sharing tiny bits of my life to friends. I like it when they drop comment telling me they used to visit the same place or share with me where to find good food. I love the response and likes. 

 Awhile ago I used to update my sad poignant heartbroken writings to my public personal instagram, the responses are great but it makes me feel uncomfortable when people know that it was me who wrote those. All of us know that writers will write subjects that are close to them. Many suspected I was going through a break up and started to comment asking me what happened and to hit em if I need to do so . I was indeed uncomfortable with sharing what happened to my relationships CLEARLY. I keep them VAGUE so you need to guess. I am a person who are befriends and close to many people but only share the deepest secrets to a few. ( I know many people do this but anyway I want to state here)  

Some use social media as diary, as a journal, as an outlet to let go their feelings and frustrations. I am fine with that because if it bothers me I will just mute your insta story or twitter (we are blessed with choices).I found myself ranting in my public IG story a few times and again, it doesn’t feel right. Considering those who view (maybe don’t even bother to read because it’s freaking long)  aren’t close to me. It’s not good, really. 

I finally practise self-control and don’t share everything and try to live in the moment

Get back to private journaling. Publish under pen name. Live quietly. Don’t expose everything online. 

I am again, puzzled with people who share many stuffs online. Especially life blogger/vlogger. I am not a private person but when it comes to personal life I want to keep it discreet. As small as I could. I am loud as you can see. But I don’t know when it comes to online presence I become a bit cautious because you never knew who view you and read the informations. 

My online presence matters because this is how I keep in touch with friends (love you guys!). I admit I have the FOMO syndrome and mostly it just related to kpop (again, yes I know I need to mention this 1000 times). My public IG will serve the three purposes. My private IG will always be my rants to friends (only close one are approved haha). My twitter will always be a safe haven and escapism for me (unfollow or mute if that bothers you) . My blog will always be the place I post my achievements and milestones . My tumblr , aff, wattpad will always serve as fangirling weapons (again don’t kill me)  .

When it comes to fangirling I would suggest everyone to have separate account, it is so embrassing to go on YouTube and  see your regular account commenting OPPA SO HAWT.  Yes please learn from my humble mistakes. 🌚🙊 

Also don’t go overboard with sharing. There’s nothing such as delete forever in the internet. Your date is stored somewhere… So… Be careful! 

Why I Quit Writing

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I am listening to Rap Mon’s mixtape while writing this. Gawd, he sounds so sexy.

I have always love reading and writing . I was not a good writer , still am. I am still not a good writer . I used to write many fanfictions years ago , most involving EXO pairings. But then , due to my spiritual awakening I started to abandon writing. Earlier this year I tried to write creatives but failed. I couldn’t perform up par to my liking.

Years before my spiritual awakening , I wrote a lot. In English, eventhough my English sucks at that moment but nothing can stop me , well I guessed , at that moment. But you know, my hostel’s rules sucks. They rummaged into hostelites’ belongings , read every single shit of my writings and confiscated em. But of course , I never wrote fanfics in hostel ; that would be suicidal.

I quit writing because , I wasn’t confident in it. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid if people would come and bash me. Saying my writings aren’t good , too abstract or too direct to the point. I was afraid of failures that I gave up my passions.

Now everyone can write. When I was younger , I wanted to be the best . That was the insecure me. I wasn’t well-adjusted that I could still be the best , among the best. Or I could be just average , and that is just okay. Just do it for fun. Not for the sake of popularity or status or fame. It is irony , because today I have none.

No one reads my fanfictions (probably because I abandoned em u.u; ) . My poetry also not good.

But , because now I am practising self-acceptance , self-compassion and trying not to be too critical of myself ; I shrug it off.

Damn , do I answer the question why I quit writing?

Besides insecurity and feeling like it will not pay off ; I realise I quit because I didn’t get the supports from friends or family. Hell no. There’s no way my family would read my fanfictions. Even the thoughts of it is cringing maynnn. I felt unappreciated , and in all honesty it was why I stopped doing whatever things I was doing. I quit karate because my family never went to my tournaments. I was too accustomed of not seeing my family or parents during award that when I received my award for SPM I forgot to take photos with them. That’s inevitable since my parents are both working and they have many kids to look after. Coming for my awards would be a waste of time sobs. I always wonder how does it feel to receive undivided love……maybe I will hate it because I hate clinginess.

With that being said , I am working (kind of hard, but honestly I just spend my days watching BTS videos) on my writing. Writing is my therapy whether I get rewards or money from it or not.

 

 

What’s Up Being 20

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have to use IU’s photo because she’s so pretty and relatable these days
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forever 16 lol

I remember distinctly crying a few months ago , confused , not knowing what holds for me in the future. I got carried away by many confusions and let the pain ate me. Then months passed and I finally okay.

So what’s up with being 20?

Well , not much really. Assuming I am leading a very normal life ; an honourable and very stereotype life. After high school going to university , grad and then hunt for jobs, get married , have kids and die. Just the normal path like everyone.

Being 20 , there’s not much improvement in term of wealth or how many places have I visited. I never really earned on my own ; besides money gifts I received for good grades I pretty much live off my parents. I also haven’t traveled many places though I really want to do so. Someday , slowly but surely.

Being 20 , I would say I could control the way I think and how I view everything. It is definitely a lesson that’s so powerful.

In my teens , I was a strong-willed girl who viewed everything in absolute matters. Now as the years passed , I got to experience life events that helped me to change my perspective and how I view myself as well as others. It is liberating and a huge relief once you aren’t too uptight .

Being 20 , I am becoming more and more accepting of who I am and carry myself better. I might be a little awkward still but I have more confidence. I do not think only of myself but also think of others , not necessarily a hardcore altruist but considerate enough .

Of course, 3 years living away from family taught me how to rely on myself and internet a lot. My counselor told me to be comfortable in my own skin. Which , I guess I am doing well right now.

Being 20 doesn’t carry much meaning actually , I learn more about myself this year and couldn’t wait to see the 21 me next year.

So, what’s being 20 means to you?

A Kpop Trash

Today’s evening , my brother said to me that I am hantu kpop and then ran away while screaming ; Kakakku hantu kpop!!! . Wow, that would make a nice pop Malay novel .

I think kpop is extremely big nowadays , pretty much everyone has listened to kpop songs in the course of their lifetimes ; voluntarily or involuntarily. Even my cousins who hate kpop (because the boys are prettier than them XD ) recognised the songs I played when I tried to introduce my biases to em .

If you follow my social medias , you must be alarmed that I am now an ARMY hahahaha. Ew. I used to despise and look down at ARMYs because they are very loud and annoying . I knew BTS eversince their debuts , but of course I wasn’t a fan because ahm.. I stanned EXO and BTS beat EXO at awards . I was… quite foolish , as you could see. I should have stan this awesome group sooner!

yolo
well I tweeted this to them as soon as I read in an article that BTS actually read fans’ comments and tweets

Admittedly BTS used to annoy  me so much because they are everywhere and they keep producing albums , songs ,even do videos for fans. Question ; aren’t they tired?

However , later I realised. BTS doesn’t come from big company , they aren’t from the 3 big giants. They are from a small company , but they have a big dream. With that dream , (okay , maybe dreams ) they put their heads down and work extremely hard.  If this didn’t work out , they might as well have to forget their dreams . There is no plan B . They just need to push themselves and produce good contents for fans. They succeeded , I have to add. They made it to Billboard. They even won Top Social Artist Award at Billboard Music Award 2017 , that’s hugeeee . The first kpop group to win the award. Coming from very humble background , how could I not see them as an inspiration.

THEY ARE FREAKING SMART UTILISING THE SOCIAL MEDIAS CONSTANTLY FEEDING UPDATES TO THE HUNGRY AND FAMISHED FANS AND PRODUCE CATCHY MVS HOT DANCE EVEN SYNCHRONISED DANCE STEPS AND HOW COULD YOU GUYS PRODUCE SUCH BEAUTIFUL LYRICS , NOT MANY KPOP ARTISTS MAKE THEIR OWN MUSICS AND IT IS ALWAYS FELT LIKE BTS AND ARMY ARE CLOSE.VERY PERSONAL. THIS FANDOM FEELS SO REAL AND PERSONAL . I COULD RELATE TO BTS .

BTS_at_the_31st_Golden_Disk_Awards
after 4 years , you managed to convert an anti into a fan :’)

Before this I only want to go Jaejoong’s concert , now I want to go to BTS as well. And it is a very bad news to my pocket that I am obsessed over a new group , posters and albums are expensive….

Please , grant me a scholarship.

Why We Fail As Muslims

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We were on the way back to kampong for raya when my mom saw rubbish piling up in a neighbourhood next to ours. The majority that live in that neighbourhood and mine are Malays, whom are muslims obviously. Right from that my mom and dad discussed about the lack of Islamic approach in our society. Cleanliness is a part of iman .

“When they give talks,it is all about politics. Politics , politics , politics. They seldom touch about akhlaq or other things . “

I found this so true. You see sometimes I go to pray at the mosque and dang, they always talking about politics. I like politics but when I go to listen to talks after Maghrib , I want to listen to beautiful stories, lessons how to be a better muslim not political shits where you condemn others and spread the hatred. I want intellectual discussions , not some guy in jubah and ketayap screaming words and bashing other political party and say people who vote for the said party will enter hell.

I was educated at a religious school for my secondary education . If in west they have Christian high school , in Malaysia we have maahad (another name used for Islamic school). But it was prohibited in my school to give politics talks . I learnt so many wonderful things there . About my faith , the principle in Islam and how to adhere those in daily lives.

When I finished my high school , I got into asasi law . Since it is a preparatory for law schools , we had so many heated arguments there. I have friends who support LGBTQ and think that it should be allowed in Malaysia to apostate. Of course , me being fresh out from maahad couldn’t relate nor comprehend with what is happening outside my bubble. I stayed in hostel for five years and only spent little time at home.

Now, 3 years after leaving maahad ; I could relate with what is happening to our society. We are muslims because we were born into this religion. Some of us didn’t bother to learn more or deeper about our faith . Some think that being muslim is enough with covering aurat , praying 5 times a day and fasting in Ramadan . Being a muslim means more than that. However , I am not writing this to tell you what does it mean to be a muslim.

I could understand now where and how Sister In Islam , Shafiqah Othman and Maryam Ler emerged. It was rooted from how we teach Islam to the youngsters. How we preached the religion . Some said that Islam is too restrictive , there are too many rules to be followed and they felt it is a burden to become muslims.

It is the approach that we take. We focus too much on what is haram to do , we keep telling people that you cannot do this and that . To the point it appears that Islam is a religion full of rules and restrictions . How does one enjoy life if there are too many things that cannot be done?

Yes , whilst writing this I am aware with the hadith saying that the world is a heaven to the non-muslims and a prison to muslims ; referring to the religious rules that we ought to abide.

The concern now is how we adhere the teachings in our daily lives , and how our own society perceive Islam. Is it a way of life or just mere traditions done by our grandmothers and grandfathers.

As for me , for three years I wonder what kind of muslim I want to be. Referring to the clothes and how I bring myself as a person. Most of my teachers in maahad are strict , some of them are really sceptical towards those who choose not to don wide hijab and those who choose not to wear according to their standards. I am one of those who choose not to ,hehe . But of course when I went there I tried to wear the most appropriate clothes I could. Still , I wasn’t able to escape from some observant eyes , hence making me as the example of what we call failed products of maahad . You see, in my school we really really really take aurat seriously . After living in the outside world , I choose to be who I am today . Not too strict but not too loose either , I choose to be in the middle because it suits me best , it suits my personality and the kind of person I want to be.

To be identified as a muslim is honourable. Acknowlegding Islam as the way of life is a pride . Trying to adhere the teachings to the daily life is challenging.

So , what kind of approach do you wish for our teachers , our preachers , our ministers to take to make people, especially the youth fall in love with Islam and wish to practise it as a way of life rather just mere traditions?

p/s : I am trying to get my hands on Letters to a Young Muslim . I heard so many good reviews about the book and I believe it is the book that I can relate and appreciate well.

I Have Finished My First Year in UPM!

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I have just finished my first year in UPM a few days ago. I was actually thinking to write the blog post when I was in the bus,on the way back to Kedah but unfortunately I fell asleep and woke up for buka puasa and resumed back my sleep after that. I was only awake when we entered Kulim ,to text my dad my whereabout. We can only plan,but God will decide…hehe

By the way now I am sitting on jati chair,it is raining outside.My brother let the sliding door opened so the wind come blowing inside. I also could listen to the engine motor noise from the road,accompanied by the sound of thunder. Alhamdulillah. This is so therapeutic . I am listening to 4 O’Clock by Rap Mon and V . I am a newborn Army thanks to Bibi lmao.

Anyways,back to finishing the first year. What do I feel? How does it change me as a person? How much did I learn? Do I make many friends? Do I lose some friends too?

Reading French in UPM was my first choice in UPU. I remembered that it was in one of my childhood’s dream to go to France or Spain to study French or Spanish. However despite scoring 10As in SPM, I was doomed. MARA unfortunately no longer sponsor for those programs. I did bad during my interview, I didn’t get scholarship for tertiary education. Because I am always interested in law and legal stuffs,I went to read law in UiTM. Well,not really read law haha. I got into Law Foundation in UiTM. And boi,I had blast alhamdulillah. I think it was the first time in my life I got to meet and befriend with like-minded people. However when deciding what I wanted to major in university, I got torn between reading law or French. I put German as my second choice,just so and law in my third choice because we had to fill in 12 choices Allahu. I decided to go with my childhood’s dream ,to read French, to become a writer, to have my own TV show, to be a journalist, to run a lingerie business and to make friends with people from all over the world.

God know best. Despite getting closer to my dream and got my first choice. I was not happy. I am now. But in my first semester I was so upset. I had a friendship break up. I lost a friend I always confided in. I lost my will to fight and to excel. Lucky me I had my asasi friends who are very supportive of me. I thought of dropping out and applied for Law UiTM or Law UM. At least I have asasi friends there.

Nonetheless, I persevered and fighted with the demon inside. I went to meet counsellor and had sessions with him. I talked to my parents and sister about this. I discussed with my friends I made back in college. I am going to do this.

The reason why I wanted to quit is because this wasn’t what I expected I would be facing and experience. When I got the offer, I was thankful and imagined my classmates would be those who read Dickens to sleep. I was wrong. Only three of us chose this as first choice in UPU, for others it was their 2nd,and even 12th! Upon knowing that, I thought to myself … Damnn I applied first for kos lelong. Kos lelong is course in which there’s no much hope to work with the degree or it is when UPU threw incompetent people into. I was wrong. Of course.

It is up to you to make the best of everything, if I went for law ; would I be happy? If it is for the prestige and glam ,it didn’t stay long. Reading law is tough. To be working in legal field is even tougher. Reading French, I would say is bearable. It is not too many compared to law. I wouldn’t excel if I were to read law. Because I know that I am person of passion , I could only do it if I have passion in it. Money- wise , I will need to work really hard to earn a lot with this degree,since it is not professional. I will be graduating with Bachelor of Arts (: and I sincerely pray it will come with honors ,Allahumma ameen.

I think I learnt more about myself this one year. It is more about self-discovery . I learnt how to control my emotions more. I learnt whom to trust and whom to not. I learnt to not expect people to love you the way you love them . I learnt to get back,even after life been throwing shit . Life never gave me lemon for me to make lemonade,so far.

I have one regret this semester, I forgot to fill in borang pindah bilik and will be sharing the small room with four people. I will make sure I don’t forget to fill in the changing room form for single room next semester. I also hope to get JPA scholarship/loan next semester in sha Allah. If not JPA, please Bank Rakyat. Pray for me.

Always keep the faith. (:

 

What I Often Think

My future

My weight

My grades

My parents

My family members

My financial situation

My mistakes,things I wish I could do differently

 

What I rarely think of,but sometimes hits me

My sins

My deeds

Will I get to heaven if I die at this instance

 

This year’s Ramadan I get to celebrate at home.Alhamdulillah.I wish we will find some peace during 2017 Ramadan.Don’t let go this special month of prayers and charity.There’s no other month like Ramadan.Pray hard,read Al-Quran (I should start doing this tooo) and you know,just spend more time than you actually do with Him.

Dunya takes too much space in my heart.I want my faith to stay here,deep inside,unwavered.In sha Allah ameen.