I am in no position to whine , my parents are still here with me ,I have a happy family with almost zero family conflict , I have no financial problem , I get sponsored , I am smart and don’t suffer from any deadly diseases , my body works wonderfully , my senses are good eventhough I am longsighted , I have a roof above my head , food on my table and a place to sleep , I have good friends , I have good teachers .
But lemme whine.
Lemme whine about when we need to walk under the hot scorching sun , or when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling freaking thirsty, lemme whine the time I got frustrated with my French that I wanna quit and go sleep in my home and regret not reading law , lemme whine the time my friends got on my nerve ,lemme whine about the time when my bank account looks sad because I went shopping a lot , lemme whine about the time the electricity in college that goes short circuit because some students cook in dorms , lemme whine about the slow bus service , lemme whine about the amount of works we need to do , lemme whine about how I am not satisfied with myself countless times and that dissatisfaction somehow reflected on how I view others.
Lemme whine about why I think I shouldn’t whine but I whine because at the end of the day I am that 20 years old spoilt girl who always has her ways easy. Not really that easy but relatively easy compared to other girls in third world countries who can’t even go study and is forced into child marriage.
I want to always be that positive person who is always motivated.But I am not , I try and things get better . Somehow there are times when I get tired with all of the bullshit I need to deal.
I don’t deserve to whine. , ya see. I am fortunate and blessed. Besides learning how to love myself and to be content , I am also learning to be grateful and positive . Just like Seokjin , I want to be a happy person who loves doing what she is doing .
It is a long journey , I am embarking that journey and it is ain’t easy.
I wish I could speak about this to my friends openly but sometimes I am a coward.
I didn’t intent to abandon my safe haven and I hate giving excuse but really I am just not ready to pen down my thoughts online.In the last post, approximately almost 1 month ago , I told you guys I will go to China for a week , and I mentioned about JPA PIDN . Alhamdulillah I went to China for a week and c’est superrrrr!!! Also, alhamdulillah I secured JPA PIDN .
Life so far.. I would say better than I have imagined. The fact that I had recovered from my situational depression is a blessing itself and having my dreams fulfilled is another blessing God gives me. Alhamdulillah.
This semester we have a French lecturer , he is not a French but he is from Senegal and he speaks nothing but only French in his class. Can you imagine? I take this as a challenge to work harder on my French.
College activities is bearable , it will usually reach the peak where there are tonnes of activities in the second semester of the year . Which means , YOU DIE DIE DIE . I hope I will be able to make it , I will handle a program under my secretariat , I will handle all the paperworks for mobility in France (financial and stuff) and.. I don’t know what else will come. College dinner and award day also means lots of works and rehearsal until dawn. Crazy.
Friendship , hmm. I still haven’t talked to my roommate that a lot. We don’t say hi , which I found weird because we sleep next to each other (almost , meaning the bed arrangement is close) . I also don’t talk to the friend whom I had disagreement with . It wasn’t really a disagreement but safe to say the friendship was ruined. Yesterday I thought about this and wonder to myself how the hell this happen. All three of us pray and read Al-Quran regularly , we are practising muslims yet we don’t preserve the relationship between us. Mindboggling. I hope we talk again , someday 🙂 I have tried to make these problems worked out but.. yeah.
Family-wise , my mom got admitted to the hospital today. I spent the whole evening bawling , Told my bestie about this, tweeted and Ig-storied as well . Pray that my mom will be okay. My brothers are doing well , my sister will graduate in a year , my dad is doing fantastic . Alhamdulillah.
I hope everything goes well , and , hmm… I went to BTS Exhibition, #RECONTRERINMALAYSIA last week. It was my first time and I had fun . Hope to be able to attend their concert on front row!
Rasa macam kali pertama menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu. Tapi rasa awkward pula. Lagipula sedari dulu menulis blog untuk pemantapan bahasa Inggeris kkkkkk. Baiklah.
A few months ago I was whats apping with Bibi telling her all my worries and anxieties of becoming an adult. What happened next will forever etched in my brain and memory.
You have problem of not living in the moment
I always find myself living either in the past or the future. I always want to be free, not tied to anything and anyone. I crave the sense of freedom. A while ago I craved the sense of belonging, it was strong. But now… I only long to be free. I want to fly.
Whenever I am in situation that is not so favourable, I always imagine my best moments. When I am with someone I love I will think to myself “this soon will end”.
It robs my happiness.
It’s a habit that rob my happiness. My inability to live and savour the moment robs away my happiness.
I will bagpack to Beijing, China in 3 days in sha Allah. I plan of writing poems there; and I want to practise living in the moment there. Away from my own people ; perhaps it is a good start of trying to live in the moment in sha Allah.
Also, I am also praying hard to secure PIDN JPA this time. In sha Allah ameen. 💋
If you look into my search keywords lately, I always read articles on how to quit social media, how to delete internet presence and related articles how being addicted to social medias is actually destructive. I started using social media and blog when I was 11. Roughly 10 years ago when internet line was still slow 🌚.
My addiction towards internet became worse when I got into secondary school. When I had instagram account in 2013 , I think I uploaded so many photos. Pictures of my socks, my ceiling, my mirror and my nails. Looking back, I am pretty sure the teenage me was a tad bit over in sharing 😂.
Now I have twitter and facebook that I use mainly for fangirling. My tweets are usually kpop (ok, tbh, BTS) related. My facebook is used for me when I need to sign up for websites that need you to register before you could read the interesting benefits.I only have 3 followers in that Facebook account; my brothers and their friend. I have many instagram accounts tho but the ones I am frequently use are @knaixx and *she-cannot-be-revealed* . They are public and private accounts mainly I use them to stalk my favourite artists and close friends. I don’t follow everyone anymore. I come to a conclusion that you don’t need to follow everyone that you know in real life in social media too.
In term of blogs, I have 2 blogs. This wordpress and blogspot. I have tumblr and that one is used for fangirling purpose as well 😂 . AFF and Wattpad also being used as consumer. I have my writings that I posted but I seldom update because… #lazyass
Anyway I sometimes wonder how does my online presence will affect me later in life? I sure have stupid selfies I uploaded in photo bucket when I was 12 ,with my real name. And too bad I forgot my email I used at that moment and that stupid selfies will stay in the internet forever. 😐
Right now I am using my public instagram to post photos of food (not a foodie, really,but I ocassionally take photos of food) , photos of places I go ( again, not a travel addict because money wo liao but I tried to go to places whenever I could!) , photos with friends (I have many friends alhamdulillah but I don’t upload every photo of us together, I only upload photos of us travelling together… Hehe)
When it comes to the question why should I share this? It will lead to me discovering that I just genuinely love sharing tiny bits of my life to friends. I like it when they drop comment telling me they used to visit the same place or share with me where to find good food. I love the response and likes.
Awhile ago I used to update my sad poignant heartbroken writings to my public personal instagram, the responses are great but it makes me feel uncomfortable when people know that it was me who wrote those. All of us know that writers will write subjects that are close to them. Many suspected I was going through a break up and started to comment asking me what happened and to hit em if I need to do so . I was indeed uncomfortable with sharing what happened to my relationships CLEARLY. I keep them VAGUE so you need to guess. I am a person who are befriends and close to many people but only share the deepest secrets to a few. ( I know many people do this but anyway I want to state here)
Some use social media as diary, as a journal, as an outlet to let go their feelings and frustrations. I am fine with that because if it bothers me I will just mute your insta story or twitter (we are blessed with choices).I found myself ranting in my public IG story a few times and again, it doesn’t feel right. Considering those who view (maybe don’t even bother to read because it’s freaking long) aren’t close to me. It’s not good, really.
Get back to private journaling. Publish under pen name. Live quietly. Don’t expose everything online.
I am again, puzzled with people who share many stuffs online. Especially life blogger/vlogger. I am not a private person but when it comes to personal life I want to keep it discreet. As small as I could. I am loud as you can see. But I don’t know when it comes to online presence I become a bit cautious because you never knew who view you and read the informations.
My online presence matters because this is how I keep in touch with friends (love you guys!). I admit I have the FOMO syndrome and mostly it just related to kpop (again, yes I know I need to mention this 1000 times). My public IG will serve the three purposes. My private IG will always be my rants to friends (only close one are approved haha). My twitter will always be a safe haven and escapism for me (unfollow or mute if that bothers you) . My blog will always be the place I post my achievements and milestones . My tumblr , aff, wattpad will always serve as fangirling weapons (againdon’t kill me) .
When it comes to fangirling I would suggest everyone to have separate account, it is so embrassing to go on YouTube and see your regular account commenting OPPA SO HAWT. Yes please learn from my humble mistakes. 🌚🙊
Also don’t go overboard with sharing. There’s nothing such as delete forever in the internet. Your date is stored somewhere… So… Be careful!
I am listening to Rap Mon’s mixtape while writing this. Gawd, he sounds so sexy.
I have always love reading and writing . I was not a good writer , still am. I am still not a good writer . I used to write many fanfictions years ago , most involving EXO pairings. But then , due to my spiritual awakening I started to abandon writing. Earlier this year I tried to write creatives but failed. I couldn’t perform up par to my liking.
Years before my spiritual awakening , I wrote a lot. In English, eventhough my English sucks at that moment but nothing can stop me , well I guessed , at that moment. But you know, my hostel’s rules sucks. They rummaged into hostelites’ belongings , read every single shit of my writings and confiscated em. But of course , I never wrote fanfics in hostel ; that would be suicidal.
I quit writing because , I wasn’t confident in it. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid if people would come and bash me. Saying my writings aren’t good , too abstract or too direct to the point. I was afraid of failures that I gave up my passions.
Now everyone can write. When I was younger , I wanted to be the best . That was the insecure me. I wasn’t well-adjusted that I could still be the best , among the best. Or I could be just average , and that is just okay. Just do it for fun. Not for the sake of popularity or status or fame. It is irony , because today I have none.
No one reads my fanfictions (probably because I abandoned em u.u; ) . My poetry also not good.
But , because now I am practising self-acceptance , self-compassion and trying not to be too critical of myself ; I shrug it off.
Damn , do I answer the question why I quit writing?
Besides insecurity and feeling like it will not pay off ; I realise I quit because I didn’t get the supports from friends or family. Hell no. There’s no way my family would read my fanfictions. Even the thoughts of it is cringing maynnn. I felt unappreciated , and in all honesty it was why I stopped doing whatever things I was doing. I quit karate because my family never went to my tournaments. I was too accustomed of not seeing my family or parents during award that when I received my award for SPM I forgot to take photos with them. That’s inevitable since my parents are both working and they have many kids to look after. Coming for my awards would be a waste of time sobs. I always wonder how does it feel to receive undivided love……maybe I will hate it because I hate clinginess.
With that being said , I am working (kind of hard, but honestly I just spend my days watching BTS videos) on my writing. Writing is my therapy whether I get rewards or money from it or not.
I remember distinctly crying a few months ago , confused , not knowing what holds for me in the future. I got carried away by many confusions and let the pain ate me. Then months passed and I finally okay.
So what’s up with being 20?
Well , not much really. Assuming I am leading a very normal life ; an honourable and very stereotype life. After high school going to university , grad and then hunt for jobs, get married , have kids and die. Just the normal path like everyone.
Being 20 , there’s not much improvement in term of wealth or how many places have I visited. I never really earned on my own ; besides money gifts I received for good grades I pretty much live off my parents. I also haven’t traveled many places though I really want to do so. Someday , slowly but surely.
Being 20 , I would say I could control the way I think and how I view everything. It is definitely a lesson that’s so powerful.
In my teens , I was a strong-willed girl who viewed everything in absolute matters. Now as the years passed , I got to experience life events that helped me to change my perspective and how I view myself as well as others. It is liberating and a huge relief once you aren’t too uptight .
Being 20 , I am becoming more and more accepting of who I am and carry myself better. I might be a little awkward still but I have more confidence. I do not think only of myself but also think of others , not necessarily a hardcore altruist but considerate enough .
Of course, 3 years living away from family taught me how to rely on myself and internet a lot. My counselor told me to be comfortable in my own skin. Which , I guess I am doing well right now.
Being 20 doesn’t carry much meaning actually , I learn more about myself this year and couldn’t wait to see the 21 me next year.
Today’s evening , my brother said to me that I am hantu kpop and then ran away while screaming ; Kakakku hantu kpop!!! . Wow, that would make a nice pop Malay novel .
I think kpop is extremely big nowadays , pretty much everyone has listened to kpop songs in the course of their lifetimes ; voluntarily or involuntarily. Even my cousins who hate kpop (because the boys are prettier than them XD ) recognised the songs I played when I tried to introduce my biases to em .
If you follow my social medias , you must be alarmed that I am now an ARMY hahahaha. Ew. I used to despise and look down at ARMYs because they are very loud and annoying . I knew BTS eversince their debuts , but of course I wasn’t a fan because ahm.. I stanned EXO and BTS beat EXO at awards . I was… quite foolish , as you could see. I should have stan this awesome group sooner!
Admittedly BTS used to annoy me so much because they are everywhere and they keep producing albums , songs ,even do videos for fans. Question ; aren’t they tired?
However , later I realised. BTS doesn’t come from big company , they aren’t from the 3 big giants. They are from a small company , but they have a big dream. With that dream , (okay , maybe dreams ) they put their heads down and work extremely hard. If this didn’t work out , they might as well have to forget their dreams . There is no plan B . They just need to push themselves and produce good contents for fans. They succeeded , I have to add. They made it to Billboard. They even won Top Social Artist Award at Billboard Music Award 2017 , that’s hugeeee . The first kpop group to win the award. Coming from very humble background , how could I not see them as an inspiration.
THEY ARE FREAKING SMART UTILISING THE SOCIAL MEDIAS CONSTANTLY FEEDING UPDATES TO THE HUNGRY AND FAMISHED FANS AND PRODUCE CATCHY MVS HOT DANCE EVEN SYNCHRONISED DANCE STEPS AND HOW COULD YOU GUYS PRODUCE SUCH BEAUTIFUL LYRICS , NOT MANY KPOP ARTISTS MAKE THEIR OWN MUSICS AND IT IS ALWAYS FELT LIKE BTS AND ARMY ARE CLOSE.VERY PERSONAL. THIS FANDOM FEELS SO REAL AND PERSONAL . I COULD RELATE TO BTS .
Before this I only want to go Jaejoong’s concert , now I want to go to BTS as well. And it is a very bad news to my pocket that I am obsessed over a new group , posters and albums are expensive….