I am listening to Rap Mon’s mixtape while writing this. Gawd, he sounds so sexy.
I have always love reading and writing . I was not a good writer , still am. I am still not a good writer . I used to write many fanfictions years ago , most involving EXO pairings. But then , due to my spiritual awakening I started to abandon writing. Earlier this year I tried to write creatives but failed. I couldn’t perform up par to my liking.
Years before my spiritual awakening , I wrote a lot. In English, eventhough my English sucks at that moment but nothing can stop me , well I guessed , at that moment. But you know, my hostel’s rules sucks. They rummaged into hostelites’ belongings , read every single shit of my writings and confiscated em. But of course , I never wrote fanfics in hostel ; that would be suicidal.
I quit writing because , I wasn’t confident in it. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid if people would come and bash me. Saying my writings aren’t good , too abstract or too direct to the point. I was afraid of failures that I gave up my passions.
Now everyone can write. When I was younger , I wanted to be the best . That was the insecure me. I wasn’t well-adjusted that I could still be the best , among the best. Or I could be just average , and that is just okay. Just do it for fun. Not for the sake of popularity or status or fame. It is irony , because today I have none.
No one reads my fanfictions (probably because I abandoned em u.u; ) . My poetry also not good.
But , because now I am practising self-acceptance , self-compassion and trying not to be too critical of myself ; I shrug it off.
Damn , do I answer the question why I quit writing?
Besides insecurity and feeling like it will not pay off ; I realise I quit because I didn’t get the supports from friends or family. Hell no. There’s no way my family would read my fanfictions. Even the thoughts of it is cringing maynnn. I felt unappreciated , and in all honesty it was why I stopped doing whatever things I was doing. I quit karate because my family never went to my tournaments. I was too accustomed of not seeing my family or parents during award that when I received my award for SPM I forgot to take photos with them. That’s inevitable since my parents are both working and they have many kids to look after. Coming for my awards would be a waste of time sobs. I always wonder how does it feel to receive undivided love……maybe I will hate it because I hate clinginess.
With that being said , I am working (kind of hard, but honestly I just spend my days watching BTS videos) on my writing. Writing is my therapy whether I get rewards or money from it or not.